Times of Dawning

Every so often in life, I find the choices I made do not reflect the me I wish to be: healthy, strong, and full of life. Looking back at the past 18 months, I can safely say these choices have fallen out about 50/50. I can do better than this.

It was about that time that the "day job" I took as head of household began. As head of my house, I feel strongly that it is my obligation to make sure needs are met. At the time, this simply wasn't happening. I thought that a job which took place on my favorite shift would be a positive thing.

I did not count on walking into one of the most toxic work environments I have ever experienced. Even with trance help and medicine to assist with my biological issues, it simply will not do for me to work at that job any longer. I have stuck it out to ensure my family's needs get met, but it has drained me of energy I can ill afford to lose.

I have put on weight. For the weight itself, I could care less, but it is affecting my joints. (The rest of my health remains undamaged, for which I am grateful.) I have lost the time I needed to record.

More sadly, I have not had time or energy to connect with community. I miss that so very much.

It's time this turned around. New dawnings are important. At Samhain, I began to hunt for a new job. I have some promising leads. I am also typing this on my new iPad, a gift from a sweet obedient boy. (Yes, this makes me happy!) I have new ideas for the future of the Realm.

In the outer world, winter is beginning. In the Realm, crocuses and snowdrops are peeking through the whiteness. It's time for beginnings.

A Lovely Evening

Last night, I gave a call to Squikitoi...between her schedule, my schedule, the schedules of our Significant Others, a minor but significant time difference, and my occasional retreats into paralyzing shyness, I don't get to call her nearly as much as I'd like. (And I hope she feels the same way.) But last night, things aligned well, and we were able to talk.

The conversation was fun and flirty, turning pretty rapidly into outright flirting (because for those of you who do not know, she is nummy and delicious.) I mentioned some of the ideas for her that Goddess had talked to me about, which met with approval, and I think I must have been giving off submissive vibes that were visible from half a continent away, because she decided to pounce me pretty hard.

It wasn't exactly that she hypnotized me per se. It was more that as the conversation became sexual, she started using words and phrases that Goddess uses all the time that I'm conditioned to think of as deepeners, anchors and the like. They weren't actual trance triggers, but they were things I usually hear while in trance. Combine that with a guided fantasy scenario (which requires you to engage the imagination in a way similar to hypnosis), my general tendency to get a bit trancy when I'm really into the moment, and my general submissive tendencies, and my mind was pretty soft and malleable even though the word "hypnosis" was never spoken.

And speaking of my general submissive tendencies, her words were feeding pretty powerfully into them...Lady Ru'etha has never had any sort of hierarchy among Her Chosen, but I am a male submissive who feels generally deferential to women, and Squikitoi is assertive, sexy and beautiful. It's something that she has (I strongly suspect) noticed, but has not played with...until last night, where my hindbrain basically went, "Ah. Yes. I submit to her, she submits to Goddess, we both submit to Goddess...**click** This makes perfect sense." I definitely think she's going to have an easy time asking me to fetch drinks for her the next time we're in realspace together.

And after what felt like a very good, enjoyable experience for both of us, she gave me a couple of not-named-as-such-but-they-totally-were post-hypnotic suggestions that would make it easier for me to sleep and feel her cuddled up to me as I slept. Which was somewhat amusing, as I actually had promised I'd get back up and tell Lady Ru'etha about it (because hello, what's the point of having pets play with each other if you don't get to hear the fun parts?) and I wound up feeling ever so slightly stoned for the rest of the night as my brain told me I was sleepy and warm and cuddled. But it was the good kind of slightly stoned.

It was a beautiful experience with a beautiful person, and I look forward to the next time we can call.

Tai Chi

As many of you may know, I recently started taking Tai Chi lessons. It is something that I've wanted to do for a long time and I finally decided to just do it and make the finances work around it. It is a decision that I am happy with thus far. The facility is clean and the employees are friendly. I have been made to feel like a member of the team from everyone and that is important. The teacher (herein referenced to as "Shifu") is an honest to goodness Shaolin fighting monk from China and is incredible. I have also been given the go ahead for volunteering in their front office and I'm excited by this prospect. Let's hope it turns out well!

I chose Tai Chi and Qi Gong (both are taught in this class) because it begins with becoming more aware of myself internally and deals with Chi/energy. Since I've started taking Tai Chi, I apparently sound "well fucked" after my lessons. This has been said by several people that don't even know each other and I have to admit it makes me giggle, but there is a truth in those words. After I've had a class/lesson, I feel more relaxed and centered. I feel calm and in some ways almost giddy. I consider this a very good thing. I just wish I had someone to go with me, that I could share this with.

There have been several times when Shifu has told us something in class regarding energy, about how it works and how we should gain control of it and allow it to flow properly throughout our bodies. Each time he does, it almost catches me by surprise because it reflects what I have felt to be true. The difference here is that I finally have an experienced teacher showing me HOW TO DO IT. This makes me so very happy. I know there is sooo much to learn and that I can't rush it. Doing this just FEELS right. It resonates through every bone and if I could, I'd go to every class that's offered.

For a long time, I have wavered, almost floating on a sea of religion, taking in one, rolling it around in my head and then discarding it because it didn't feel right or whatever the case was that would cause me to decide it wasn't a good fit. Here, I almost feel like I've got the beginnings of something that fits with how I feel internally that the world works. I may have to tweak it a bit to encompass other things but I'm only just beginning on this journey. I only know that had I closed this door before it had really been opened, I would always have wondered. At least now I can see it through and see where it takes me.

A "Things you SHOULDN'T say to a Hypnodomme" Post

Today's post is in regards to a random message conversation between M'Lady and someone who obviously has no clue as to what it takes to get play time with her.

Friday night she got the following series of IMs. I have added in my take of it (in parenthesis and color has been changed)  for the amusement of those reading this blog entry.

(10:51:16 PM) Random Messenger: hi queen

(a good way to start off, but not necessarily the way M'Lady prefers to be addressed)

(10:51:44 PM) ladyruetha: Can't really talk right now, sweetie... but went ahead and added. :)

(10:52:14 PM) Random Messenger: why cant you talk?

(You don't ask why.. you just accept and move on. If she wants to explain she will.)

(10:52:30 PM) ladyruetha: I'm a bit busy. :) 

(10:53:13 PM) Random Messenger: with phone sex calls eh?

(Umm.. Yeah.. because that's ALL she does)

(10:53:56 PM) Random Messenger: i saw your profile on (Website Redacted)....... 

(10:54:15 PM) Random Messenger: all women on there have their own websites, and most have "phone sex" listings with Niteflirt as well........thats why i ask

(I like how he lumped ALL WOMEN into the phone sex category. Not as if it isn't true she doesn't have a listing there, but it was awfully presumptuous of him to just assume this would be the case.)

(11:00:46 PM) ladyruetha: Actually, not tonight... but perhaps soon.

(11:01:13 PM) Random Messenger: well count me out 

(11:01:27 PM) Random Messenger: i'm definitely not into paying 2 bucks a minute to talk to someone..lol

(Then why did he ask this question? >.>) 

(11:01:28 PM) Random Messenger: no offense

(11:06:31 PM) Random Messenger: but i would like very much to be hypnotized by you

(ok, so he goes from NOT wanting to pay for it to saying he wants her to hypnotize him. Mooch much?)

(11:06:36 PM) Random Messenger: let me put my cam on for you..hang on

(11:07:26 PM) ladyruetha: I don't use cam.

(11:07:32 PM) ladyruetha: And I did say I'm busy?

(11:10:23 PM) Random Messenger: well i'm sorry, but your going to need to get a cam,

(Excuse me? You're going to tell the hypnodomme that you DON'T want to pay but you still want to be hypnotized by that she's going to NEED a cam? Oh, and didn't she mention she's busy? O.o) 

(11:10:32 PM) Random Messenger: and unfortunately, i must insist you ignore the other "loser" and talk to me

(This "loser" happens to be one of M'Lady's chosen. Not exactly a loser when you look at it from that perspective...)

(11:12:40 PM) ladyruetha: The other "loser" is in the room with me and giggling like a loon right now. Maybe he'll write someone like you into one of his stories.

(11:13:55 PM) Random Messenger: well the only reason he is there, and i'm not........is because you dont "know me" :)

(At this point, is it incorrect of me to assume we don't want to "know him"?)

(11:14:32 PM) Random Messenger: he is a pathetic loser, and i  am twice the man he will ever be........furthermore, you would "pick" me over that pathetic worm of a man i guarentee.....its just that you dont "know me"

(I'm really not sure where the attitude came from but it really sounds like someone needs a spanking (and not of the "good" variety)... >.>) 

(11:15:15 PM) Random Messenger: he is the lowest form of a weak, pathetic, helpless male i have ever come across........he is more pathetic than a puppy dog

(And this is the point where we start laughing hysterically at his very inaccurate portrayal of previously mentioned chosen.)

(11:15:23 PM) ladyruetha: LOLOLOLOL -Do tell.

(11:16:13 PM) Random Messenger: tell me, when you see him naked, do you "laugh" at how small of a penis he has? does it remind you of a "vienna sausage"?

(I really have to admit here that being from the South, I have often had vienna sausages with crackers and find them a nummy snack, but that's not the topic of this conversation. It was, however, immediately what I thought of upon reading this.  Maybe he could have picked a better picture phrase? Not to mention, belittling anyone M'Lady has any dealings with, won't endear her to you whatsoever.)

(11:16:58 PM) ladyruetha: Hee. You are so very funny. I have to go, but do feel free to keep talking. I'll read it tomorrow.

(11:18:29 PM) Random Messenger: ok sweety, talk to you then

(Where the conversation essentially ends.. Dorkus humongous, exhibit A.)

My one confession

This is leading up to my confession. One of my numerous fetishes is pantyhose. The feel of the material on my skin, and the look of it on a woman's legs. I love the feeling so much....(here it comes, and it is tough for me to type)...

I own two pairs of hose that I will wear for erotic purposes.

One pair is a color called "Girl scout green". I dream of someone (for some reason it's MiLady's voice I hear) calling me some dirty names while I wear them for this mystery figure in private.

The other pair is grey. It is part of my robot skin. I have not opened this pair as I wish MiLady to put me in my robot mode and have me put them on to become more of a robot.

There. Now the harder part...Pushing the "Publish Post" button.

My second image

Ocean Isle Beach, NC and the dock.

I dream about it a lot. Right here is where I lay to watch meteors in my mind.

Two images

The first image

Tazmanian Devil (aka: TAZ, Baggy eyes)

He is in the middle of his tornado. At the office, sometimes, it feels like I am in the middle of same. And sometimes, my speech (away from certain situations) sounds like Taz's gibberish.

The Second Image will be in my next post....for some reason it won't let me do it.

Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

This is a wind turbine in Ardrossan, Scotland. It caught fire during a 260 km/h (160 mph) windstorm. Nobody's quite sure why, yet; video shows that the blades aren't spinning very fast when the fire breaks out, the head is pivoting but you wouldn't imagine that to make enough friction to burn anything.

I took my life in a direction that seemed like a good idea at the time, but in extreme conditions it hasn't worked out.

When things are out of control, it *is* possible to recover if the right actions are taken in a timely fashion.

One Confession

Technically, two confessions. The first confession is that I wouldn't have the faintest idea what sort of images sum up my life if you painted them on my eyeglasses.

The second, more relevant confession: I'm not actually very good at being a grown-up. I can muddle through, more or less; I can hold a steady job, and for eight hours or so a day I can do very good at it. But things that seem to come easily to other adults, living an organized and sensible life and being...y'know, grown up...to me, it feels like spinning plates. While I'm over in one area keeping the plate that says "eating healthy" spinning, the one that says "remembering to pay all the bills" starts wobbling. When I dash back over and give that one another spin, the "house-cleaning" one is about ready to fall onto the floor. The whole thing does not feel intuitive to me, it exhausts me, and I frequently need to retreat into goofiness and silly things just to keep from frying my immature brain.

So if you're someone who I'm in a family with...I am sorry. I try, as best I can, but I know I'm not good at this. I hope I don't ever hit you with any of those plates.

Days Nine and Ten

I apologize for being really late with the last two of my posts from the list. I was dealing with an emotional breakdown, and am now trying to manage the aftereffects of it on myself and those around me. Thankfully, my Lady is much more patient with me than I deserve at times. So, in order to get myself back up to speed, here are the last two of the weekly posts.

Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

This one represents adolescence. It reaches me on a number of levels. My own puberty was a little off, due to lots of bad experiences with classmates and family, as well as not having anyone to personally teach me about those weird and "wonderful" changes my body was going through. (Let's just say that, for a few different reasons, I fell through the cracks.) And these days, I'm going through another puberty, with both my hormones and emotions running kind of wild. I have a sneaking suspicion that this one will go better. I'm trying to learn to reign in my emotions the right way will still having them. Obviously, this is not an easy process, but I'm working on it.

This one represents family. As previously noted, the one I grew up with was, while "traditional," not exactly ideal. On many levels, I have accepted and forgiven that, even though they did their best, they were not what I needed. Meeting Lady Ru'etha and Her circle has certainly begun leading me to redefine my definition of family and what it means to me.

Day Ten: One confession

We, as people, tend to be defined by our pasts. If we're not careful we can be shackled by it, which hampers our ability to enjoy the present and look forward to the future. My past is not a happy one, and one of the particular issues that troubles me is trust. The majority of people around me were either antagonizing me or ignoring me, and my home never felt like a safe haven. This left a mark on me mentally and emotionally, as I'm sure you could guess. I'd see families that looked more stable and loving, but it was always with a feeling that that was for others, not for me. Then, in 2007, I met Lady Ru'etha and Her family. I watched how this group of people who, in some cases, lived far enough away to require a plane ride or an inordinate amount of time in a car. I listened to how they were there to support each other no matter what. I got to know them and to see the love they had for each other. They even reached out to me in my darkest times, and it left me in awe of them. But again, my shadow, my demons piped up and would keep reminding me that it wasn't mine. I could be an emotional voyeur, but I would always be on the outside. Then, in 2009, I found myself lost, adrift and hurting, and Lady Ru'etha extended Her hand to me. She called me to Her and I came running. And, suddenly, I found myself in the middle of that loving, supportive family. And, while I feel the peace of their bond, there is this little niggling voice that keeps reminding me of old lessons. That it isn't for me. That I'm screwing it up. That I will be abandoned again. I have no reason to doubt her, yet the doubt will not go away. I want to trust, but I don't know how.

What I do know, however, is that my Lady and my family haven't given up on me. I will get through this, and I will be stronger because of them.

Three Turn-ons

1-Hypnosis (Shocker!) I love the fact that someone else can take control with a velvety voice. I love the helplessness i feel when MiLady takes over. No matter if i am myself or if she turns my switch to Robot mode, it feels truly like bliss.

2-A pretty pair of legs in opaque hose (colors a plus). As a kid from the 80's, I grew up thinking girls wearing hose that were opaque (black, white, colors) were beautiful, so I guess this has been engraned in me for a long time. As an adjunct, I love the feel of pantyhose fabric against me.

3-Eyes. Always love looking into someone's eyes.

Four Turn-offs

1-SMOKING! It's gross, disgusting, and causes cancer. WHY?

2-Drug use. Either using doctor's drugs for the wrong reasons or illegal drugs for any reason

3-Bigotry/bullying. Saw enough of that in my life.

4-Snobbery (unless it's in a role play)

Three turn-ons

1. Hypnosis. I know! What a shock that hypnosis should form a core, even primary, part of my sexuality! But there it is. Trance is sexy, you know it, I know it.
   
2. Geekitude. This ostensibly SFW video clip, for example, is pure rocket geek porn. Ru'etha can attest that I made happy noises the first time I saw it. Ooh baby, let's see that again. No, no; slow it down.
3. Service, or at least the idea of it. I am forced to admit that, sometimes, actually doing the work can be difficult, especially when I'm here on my own. But in concept, at least, would it be so bad to be Ru'etha's obedient live-in servant, cooking and cleaning and rubbing feet? No. No it would not. :)
   

Four turn-offs

I'm going to cheat a bit and copy off my classmates.

1. From Lyinar: "Stupidity. i don't mean simple ignorance here (i.e., someone just not knowing something). i mean willfully refusing to learn. i mean not wanting to learn."
   A long time ago in a cubicle farm far away, a coworker on a long phone call put her caller on hold and started screaming for help with her computer. I was between calls so I went over. The screen was blank except for a WindowsNT logo that, from time to time, jumped around the screen. I poked the mouse, and her desktop returned. Yeah. Screen saver. She hadn't thought to try anything; something was unusual and therefore it was crisis time.
   
   When it comes to play, I'm okay with temporary suppression of thought; automatic mindless obedience can be sexy. But the idea is to switch off, not dumb down. Bimbo, himbo, jock, anything relating to a reduction in intelligence... yuck.
   
   
2. From Jukebox: "Scat play, watersports, and similar. Visceral, automatic ick."
   All of the above, and add in pretty much anything gooey, sticky or slimy. I'm more open to whipped cream than I was five years ago, but Jell-O is a hard limit. No, really, keep that shit away from me. You can have all mine, just don't eat it in front of me.
   
   
3. From Lyinar again: "Smoking. Not as big as the others, or as absolute, but someone who smokes would have to have a LOT of other redeeming qualities to make up for it in my eyes."
   I'm not sure if it's possible for any set of redeeming qualities to outweigh smoking for me. In the past when I've browsed other hypnodommes' catalogues, if they even offer a smoking fetish recording, even if it's just one of many things they do, I move on.
   
   ...And then there's the exception. There was (past tense!) a short time when Ichihara Yūko smoking her kiseru pipe damn near made me want to take it up myself, and I looked into what non-tobacco things I could smoke instead... and I've been told that with my lungs, SMOKE WILL KILL ME. Quicker than it will kill most people, I mean.
   
   Actually, let's just expand this one out to substance abuse in general. After seeing some very desperate people in the park, I think I'm pretty much cured of ever finding addictive drugs sexy. Mind control drug? I'm fine with that. Addicted to Her Voice? Hey, right on. Submission through getting hooked on smack? Hell no.
   
   
4. Race related criteria. Whether it's "I am only interested in X" or "I can't stand X," if you select your partners by race, select someone else.