I live in company housing, drive a company vehicle, take company vacations. When I was in training, I even ate company food and exercised in the company gym. And they said cyberpunk was science fiction...
Anyhow, my major project at the moment is preparing to swap company houses, because the company decided that it makes more sense for all us employees to live at the same end of town. Having walked 4km to get home in 30cm snow at -30℃ (plus windchill) after dropping off the company vehicle at the fourplex where all my coworkers live, I happen to agree!
This has put certain elements of reestablishing my daily self care plan/rituals on hold, because it's simply more important to get boxes packed. (It's also why this, last week's post, is coming out on Tuesday. Oops.) The up side is that moving houses will give me a clean psychological break between old habits and new, and that will help me to rededicate myself to improving myself for Her. I may have to formalize that, have some sort of small ceremony to get every part of my psyche on board.
At least there's one self-care element that went right during this period: today, as I'm packing and cleaning, I've only consumed two caffeinated beverages, a coffee at breakfast and a Coke at lunch. One day in the past week, I consumed six, one of which was a 355mL blend of caffeine, taurine, maybe some hydrazine, and Goddess knows what else. Anyhow, this week I paid $16 for two 5-gallon water cooler jugs, and in addition to improving the quality of my coffee and tea, it's helped me focus on drinking plain old uncaffeinated unsweetened water. Which is GOOD.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Self Care as a Form of Service
When someone thinks of performing a service to/for their dominant, self care isn't usually the highest on the list. Things such as cooking, cleaning the house or as Jukebox has said in another post, driving. I've spoken with people and read posts where people talked about their acts of service being to take whatever their dominant could throw at them in scene. What they don't talk about is how bathing every day, or brushing their teeth can be an act of service to their dominant.
It is important to me that I keep myself pleasing to the senses as well as performing to the best of my abilities. This means bathing every day to ensure there is no build up of unpleasantness (i.e. B.O., oily hair, etc...). It means brushing my teeth and doing the other necessary things to keep my teeth as healthy as I can, so that I have a nice smile. It means taking care to pick clothing that is appealing. Not being a "slouch" or lazy in what you wear in public and being cognizant of how others perceive you. It doesn't mean you have to take it to extremes to prove your appearance is pleasing, unless that is the agreement you have set with your dominant. I don't have any regulations of my appearance, per se, with the exception that I am not allowed to cut my hair (aside from trimming to keep it neat). What I do comes from my own perception of the things I know please not just M'Lady, but other important figures in my life as well.
Self care isn't just appearance. It also lends itself to the subject of keeping oneself healthy. Keeping yourself clean certainly contributes to that, but it's not the only factor involved in the equation. It means taking the medicines or vitamins the doctor has instructed you to take. It means looking into treatment for your health issues, if you aren't already being treated for them. It means being happy with yourself because when you are happy with who YOU are, you are more likely to be able to please others. If you aren't feeling well, how do you expect to be able to carry out the other tasks that please your dominant? Currently I am undergoing treatment for my TMJ not only because it will make me healthier in the long run, but because it also pleases everyone that cares for me. I am also losing weight so that I can be both healthier and happier with myself. I'm not doing it because I was told I had to. I am doing it as my own personal act of service to everyone I care for and myself.
There are so many facets of self care. It may be that you need to take time, be it a few minutes or an hour, to yourself to relax and clear the stress from your system so that you can be better prepared for anything life might decide to throw your way. Or if you are sick, it might be to take the time down to rest and recuperate. People forget that they need down time because society today is so minute driven and everything has to be done NOW. Sometimes you need to clear your head of the worries of time constraints and let yourself float for a bit (sensing any hypnosis influences here? LOL). That too can be considered self care. And it's all done to please others because taking care of yourself means you'll be in their life longer and you'll be happier while doing it.
I say all of this to say that what an act of service may mean something entirely different, person to person or relationship to relationship. Sometimes it is the simple things that can have the most meaning.
It is important to me that I keep myself pleasing to the senses as well as performing to the best of my abilities. This means bathing every day to ensure there is no build up of unpleasantness (i.e. B.O., oily hair, etc...). It means brushing my teeth and doing the other necessary things to keep my teeth as healthy as I can, so that I have a nice smile. It means taking care to pick clothing that is appealing. Not being a "slouch" or lazy in what you wear in public and being cognizant of how others perceive you. It doesn't mean you have to take it to extremes to prove your appearance is pleasing, unless that is the agreement you have set with your dominant. I don't have any regulations of my appearance, per se, with the exception that I am not allowed to cut my hair (aside from trimming to keep it neat). What I do comes from my own perception of the things I know please not just M'Lady, but other important figures in my life as well.
Self care isn't just appearance. It also lends itself to the subject of keeping oneself healthy. Keeping yourself clean certainly contributes to that, but it's not the only factor involved in the equation. It means taking the medicines or vitamins the doctor has instructed you to take. It means looking into treatment for your health issues, if you aren't already being treated for them. It means being happy with yourself because when you are happy with who YOU are, you are more likely to be able to please others. If you aren't feeling well, how do you expect to be able to carry out the other tasks that please your dominant? Currently I am undergoing treatment for my TMJ not only because it will make me healthier in the long run, but because it also pleases everyone that cares for me. I am also losing weight so that I can be both healthier and happier with myself. I'm not doing it because I was told I had to. I am doing it as my own personal act of service to everyone I care for and myself.
There are so many facets of self care. It may be that you need to take time, be it a few minutes or an hour, to yourself to relax and clear the stress from your system so that you can be better prepared for anything life might decide to throw your way. Or if you are sick, it might be to take the time down to rest and recuperate. People forget that they need down time because society today is so minute driven and everything has to be done NOW. Sometimes you need to clear your head of the worries of time constraints and let yourself float for a bit (sensing any hypnosis influences here? LOL). That too can be considered self care. And it's all done to please others because taking care of yourself means you'll be in their life longer and you'll be happier while doing it.
I say all of this to say that what an act of service may mean something entirely different, person to person or relationship to relationship. Sometimes it is the simple things that can have the most meaning.
Driving as Service
It's a minor thing, something that someone who wasn't attuned to the...unique...aspects of my relationship to Lady Ru'etha wouldn't even notice. But I drive Her just about everywhere whenever we're in the same physical space. I'm not the only person on this blog to perform that service, of course; anyone reading our various accounts of NEEHU2 will no doubt spot the subtle thread of driving winding its way through the narrative.
The reasons for this are sometimes boring and mundane (Goddess' knees ache after long stints of driving, She's still fairly new to the area and sometimes I know the way better than She does) but even this morning, when She was driving a short route that She knew perfectly well, and even when it would be more convenient for Her to drive Herself so She would have the car all day, I still felt slightly strange not driving Her there and then driving Her back. It makes me feel good, knowing that I'm getting my Goddess to someplace She needs to be, allowing Her to slough off the stress of navigating and handling traffic so She can focus on whatever it is She needs to do at my destination. It makes me happy when She reaches over and massages the back of my neck while I drive, an unspoken connection that shows Her ownership of me without needing to say anything. It makes even a very ordinary, common experience into something extraordinary, because it's an act of service to Her.
Which is just one of the things that's so wonderful about being in a D/s relationship.
The reasons for this are sometimes boring and mundane (Goddess' knees ache after long stints of driving, She's still fairly new to the area and sometimes I know the way better than She does) but even this morning, when She was driving a short route that She knew perfectly well, and even when it would be more convenient for Her to drive Herself so She would have the car all day, I still felt slightly strange not driving Her there and then driving Her back. It makes me feel good, knowing that I'm getting my Goddess to someplace She needs to be, allowing Her to slough off the stress of navigating and handling traffic so She can focus on whatever it is She needs to do at my destination. It makes me happy when She reaches over and massages the back of my neck while I drive, an unspoken connection that shows Her ownership of me without needing to say anything. It makes even a very ordinary, common experience into something extraordinary, because it's an act of service to Her.
Which is just one of the things that's so wonderful about being in a D/s relationship.
A potential direction for tonight's post here
For the past few months, I have been getting into actively exploring earth/Goddess religions, as a way of getting to know my Goddess even better. I've been exposed to it on and off since 2006, when I moved in with my biological family, who are all various flavors of pagan/wiccan/etc.. One of my Christmas/Yule gifts was for the local used book store in NC, and I picked up The Spiral Dance, by Starhawk. I've had it and was reading it, except that I was reading it the same way I read fiction, that is to say just blazing through it. I realized the folly of this a few weeks ago, and started into actually reading it. However, since this is solo study and I suck at it, I asked my Goddess to help keep me on track for it. So She ordered that my blog post tonight be about what I've read. Admittedly, I've covered the Introduction to the Twentieth and Tenth Anniversary edition(s). So here are my impressions of it so far.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
my path and M'Lady's influence on it.
Somewhat recently, i got to thinking about just how bound i am to M'Lady, and how many parts of my life are in some way related to me being Hers.
It turns out that quite a bit of who i am now is directly or indirectly related to being M'Lady's. Most of my friends, i know because of Her in some way, either because She introduced me, or simply because i moved up here. i live in a house She lived in, that still hums with Her energy and the energy of Her family, and my roommate here i would never have met if it weren't for both our ties to Her.
Even my main hobby, doing miniature wargaming, i got into because we went to DragonCon together. And given how much i've grokked the Warhammer 40k setting (to the point where i'm running a mostly-weekly RPG set in it), that definitely defines a fair bit of who i am. i also found my favorite band, Emerald Rose, because of Her and DragonCon.
While i didn't get into the Wheel of Time because of M'Lady, i did get back into it and keep current with it because i kept going to DragonCon. A particular quote from that series helped me survive the worst depression i've ever had to deal with.
i'm also pretty sure i wouldn't have figured out that i'm genderfluid without M'Lady's help, and i probably also wouldn't be on Twitter, Facebook, or Fetlife.
i love You, Goddess.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Communication and Long Distance Relationships
This was a topic that was brought up during Atlanta Poly Weekend. And we kinda almost took over that panel. M'Lady's group includes a lot of long distance relationships. I only have one relationship that isn't long distance. I've done it for pretty much as long as I've had relationships with anyone.
People that have never had a relationship like this wonder how in the world it can be done. They have everything right here. They can touch the person, smell them, hear them, and see them. The have the full gamete of communication. And even then, communication still often falls short of what the relationship needs to survive. Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce? There is a lack of communication and the couple ends up having a differing of opinions on some important subject that goes without being talked about until it creates a gap far to wide for either party to cross. Oh, there are other reasons as well, to be sure, but communication is one of the biggies.
When you take the regular difficulties in a regular relationship and then you stretch it across any length of distance, you find yourself in a whole different ball game. Suddenly you don't have the time together, you don't have the personal touch, taste or sight of the person you are "with". You have to deal with the loneliness of not having them at your side, over you, whatever.
So how do you keep the lines of communication open when you enter into a long distance relationship (herein known as LDR)? There are an untold number of ways. Each relationship will have it's own quirks that make it unique. Many people use chat programs such as Yahoo or Google Talk to keep up. Then there is video/audio chatting. Cell phones are a biggie with LDR's. Texting helps and when it comes to LDR's that span countries, phone programs such as Skype can be a tremendous help. Then there are the things that can be sent long distance. Cards and flowers can be ordered from afar. Even some foods can be ordered and/or shipped to a loved one somewhere else. Pretty much anything can be ordered online today, which helps greatly with surprise gifts.
Communication is even more in an LDR than a regular relationship because you don't have the advantage of being with the other person, in person. And it takes more work to make an LDR work. But even with all of the extra effort an LDR can take, the small bits of time spent in the personal space of your loved one can often be much sweeter than being with them 24/7. Often, this is because they treasure those moments with a passion that is hard to be rivaled. This also means that if/when the couple is able to be united due to one of the partners moving to the other, they tend to be willing to work harder to make the relationship last. Mind you this isn't always the case, but for the most part it is true.
I don't really know where I was going with this, but considering the amount of LDR's I have been/am involved in, each one has differed in the ways we kept each other close and in the ways that we let each other know we were thinking of them. It's very important to me that I know I am being thought of and to be reminded that I am loved. If reminders aren't given, even though I may "know" the other person cares for me, I will start to wonder anyway. That may be one of my faults, but it is still part of who I am. Everyone has something that is unique to them that they need from any type of relationship and for a romantic relationship, it is something I feel that I need. *smiles*
People that have never had a relationship like this wonder how in the world it can be done. They have everything right here. They can touch the person, smell them, hear them, and see them. The have the full gamete of communication. And even then, communication still often falls short of what the relationship needs to survive. Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce? There is a lack of communication and the couple ends up having a differing of opinions on some important subject that goes without being talked about until it creates a gap far to wide for either party to cross. Oh, there are other reasons as well, to be sure, but communication is one of the biggies.
When you take the regular difficulties in a regular relationship and then you stretch it across any length of distance, you find yourself in a whole different ball game. Suddenly you don't have the time together, you don't have the personal touch, taste or sight of the person you are "with". You have to deal with the loneliness of not having them at your side, over you, whatever.
So how do you keep the lines of communication open when you enter into a long distance relationship (herein known as LDR)? There are an untold number of ways. Each relationship will have it's own quirks that make it unique. Many people use chat programs such as Yahoo or Google Talk to keep up. Then there is video/audio chatting. Cell phones are a biggie with LDR's. Texting helps and when it comes to LDR's that span countries, phone programs such as Skype can be a tremendous help. Then there are the things that can be sent long distance. Cards and flowers can be ordered from afar. Even some foods can be ordered and/or shipped to a loved one somewhere else. Pretty much anything can be ordered online today, which helps greatly with surprise gifts.
Communication is even more in an LDR than a regular relationship because you don't have the advantage of being with the other person, in person. And it takes more work to make an LDR work. But even with all of the extra effort an LDR can take, the small bits of time spent in the personal space of your loved one can often be much sweeter than being with them 24/7. Often, this is because they treasure those moments with a passion that is hard to be rivaled. This also means that if/when the couple is able to be united due to one of the partners moving to the other, they tend to be willing to work harder to make the relationship last. Mind you this isn't always the case, but for the most part it is true.
I don't really know where I was going with this, but considering the amount of LDR's I have been/am involved in, each one has differed in the ways we kept each other close and in the ways that we let each other know we were thinking of them. It's very important to me that I know I am being thought of and to be reminded that I am loved. If reminders aren't given, even though I may "know" the other person cares for me, I will start to wonder anyway. That may be one of my faults, but it is still part of who I am. Everyone has something that is unique to them that they need from any type of relationship and for a romantic relationship, it is something I feel that I need. *smiles*
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Go Have Some Tea
Tea is magic and mystic and borderline sacred. It's also delicious and stimulating. And if you think you don't like tea, well, okay, sure, you tried a sip of something squeezed out of a cloth teabag filled with the dust from the bottom of the bin after they pack up all the good leaves, that came out of a box that was marked "TEA" and you didn't like it -- can't blame you. How about whole loose leaves given room to expand, instead of leftover dust? How about tea with raspberries? How about leaves rolled up into little balls that unfold as they brew? How about a most marvelous elixer from Seattle that can (poorly) be described as drinking a freshly baked orange spice cookie?
How about teas for relaxing and teas for waking up and teas with slightly exaggerated health benefits but they taste pretty good anyway and can't hurt?
How about serving your Goddess by serving Her tea? Personal favorite, that.*
How about drinking a cup of tea because She told you to?
How about turning tea into a daily ritual for peace, calm and reflection, whether on self, on life... or even on being owned, whispering mantras of devotion and obedience between sips?
How about a robotic teamaking kettle with temperature and brewing time adjusted for tea grade, age, altitude, water quality, time of day, and horoscope averaged from five major online newspapers? Er, how about we skip that one. How about a fancy brewer that opens a valve and drains out when you put it on your mug? No, because you can't wash it. How about you get yourself a plain stainless tea strainer and some tea that doesn't suck?
How about we go have some tea.
*: Place strainer in mug, spoon tea leaves into strainer. Pour near-boiling water over tea. Wait about 50% longer than the tea's guidelines, or lacking that, about 5 minutes. Remove strainer. Add no milk or sweetener unless commanded. Carry to Goddess with or without saucer. Kneel. Offer. Enjoy that She enjoys!
Follow-Up:
Keurig makes a line of machines that, by way of a single-use plastic pod ("K-Cup") about the size of the dipping sauce cups you get when ordering pizza, make a respectable cup of coffee. Not coffee shop coffee, of course, but better than a drip brewer and usually on par with a french press.
HOWEVER, while there are tea pods for the Keurig, they deliver a cupful of liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.
HOWEVER YET AGAIN, if you have one for making coffee anyway, running the machine without a pod in it will conveniently dispense 6, 8 or 10 oz of perfectly just-below-boiling water into your mug and tea strainer.
How about teas for relaxing and teas for waking up and teas with slightly exaggerated health benefits but they taste pretty good anyway and can't hurt?
How about serving your Goddess by serving Her tea? Personal favorite, that.*
How about drinking a cup of tea because She told you to?
How about turning tea into a daily ritual for peace, calm and reflection, whether on self, on life... or even on being owned, whispering mantras of devotion and obedience between sips?
How about a robotic teamaking kettle with temperature and brewing time adjusted for tea grade, age, altitude, water quality, time of day, and horoscope averaged from five major online newspapers? Er, how about we skip that one. How about a fancy brewer that opens a valve and drains out when you put it on your mug? No, because you can't wash it. How about you get yourself a plain stainless tea strainer and some tea that doesn't suck?
How about we go have some tea.
*: Place strainer in mug, spoon tea leaves into strainer. Pour near-boiling water over tea. Wait about 50% longer than the tea's guidelines, or lacking that, about 5 minutes. Remove strainer. Add no milk or sweetener unless commanded. Carry to Goddess with or without saucer. Kneel. Offer. Enjoy that She enjoys!
Follow-Up:
Keurig makes a line of machines that, by way of a single-use plastic pod ("K-Cup") about the size of the dipping sauce cups you get when ordering pizza, make a respectable cup of coffee. Not coffee shop coffee, of course, but better than a drip brewer and usually on par with a french press.
HOWEVER, while there are tea pods for the Keurig, they deliver a cupful of liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.
HOWEVER YET AGAIN, if you have one for making coffee anyway, running the machine without a pod in it will conveniently dispense 6, 8 or 10 oz of perfectly just-below-boiling water into your mug and tea strainer.
Just how meta is this post? Quite.
i've had to deal with a couple of problems with trying to get this post done, so i decided to make it rather meta.
i'm writing a blog post about having problems writing blog posts.
i've never really gotten into Web 2.0 the way a lot of people have. my abortive attempts at LiveJournal accounts are, well, so full of tumbleweeds that they've no more room to tumble. i tend to use Twitter as a huge global IRC channel with a character limit. i only just got a Facebook account a couple of months ago, mostly so i could see updates from M'Lady on various goings on now that sleepykitten has moved up there and can't just read said accounts aloud in earshot.
Having started out on the internet back in the mid-90's, i have always been wary of putting out information regarding myself. Add to that the fact that when i was growing up, i never saw the point in having a diary, and it's fairly difficult for me to bludgeon my brain into the proper headspace for me to actually write anything approaching a blog to begin with.
i've also had to deal with general writer's block lately. i used to be pretty good at writing short stories and such, but for quite some time, i've just not gotten the inspiration for it. i still get inspired to do other things, like interesting conversion ideas for miniatures, or costume ideas, but writing isn't included in that anymore. i actually have a couple of D&D campaign settings that i haven't worked on in months because i just don't have the spark to kick my somewhat impressive ability at writing into actually being useful.
Service vs Submission
Lately I've been thinking a lot about the difference between the two. They are similar concepts, but, to me, each has a specific flavor that the other just can't match.
Submission is about a relationship. It's a precious gift that one gives to another. It's little things, like freely choosing to allow a Top (in whatever form that takes) to have the final say in little things in life. It's obeying, even when doing so would cause you discomfort and maybe even pain, because you trust them to make the right decision for you. It is about *KNOWING* that your place is at their side, at their feet, at the end of the leash, or wherever the two of you negotiate, and feeling at home there.
Service is a state of mind that involves gifts for others in the form of acts. It's about taking care of someone, even if it's for money. It's about keeping a smile on your face and helping someone even if they are a royal jerk to you. It's the little things, like listening to what they *REALLY* want, through their actions and body language as well as their words. It's about going that extra mile to make sure the person you are helping is happy.
There can be a lot of overlap. Often, in the D/s scene, you hear of "service-oriented submissives," bottoms who get an emotional charge out of providing service as part of submission. For those who live 24/7, there is *DEFINITELY* overlap.
A perfect example is my current job, working part time overnights at a gas station. I have been there a month and find that it already feels like it's grating on my soul. It commits one of the few mortal sins in my book: I'm both bored and busy at the same time. It's 8 hours of almost solitude and repetitious drudgery, where both thieves and police are a constant worry. Every time someone comes through my line wanting alcohol or tobacco, I squirm like a worm on a hook, wondering if I somehow missed some important little detail on an ID of someone who I shouldn't sell it to. That nervous energy lasts for a few minutes, furtively looking out the window for flashing lights that don't come. (They don't come because, according to my boss and coworkers, if I did sell to the wrong person and was caught, the officer would already be there in line, watching me from undercover.) I also hate dealing with money. I barely like dealing with my own, much less someone else's, and I have about a hundred or so people who are expecting me to give them precise change. One person asked snidely if I was new because I may have rang something up wrong and it cost literally a few cents more than usual. Another came in with $166 in lottery winnings. Split among 7 tickets. That got entered into the system in 2 different ways. And I'm not supposed to have that much money in my drawer. I could easily quit. Just walk off in the morning and not come back. Hell, it's a gas station. It's almost expected at some point.
If I hate it so much, it's part time anyway, and my roommates would help me out if I left, why haven't I quit yet? The answer is submission to my Goddess, pure and simple. I have given her my submission, and she wills that I work, even if it's a crappy-ass job like this. If they pushed me too far, yes, she might approve my telling them where to stuff it. Gods know she's heard enough bitching from me already about it. She knows how much I hate it and has been gently pushing me to push through the exhaustion and loneliness (cause I don't get to see her and my roommates often because of almost literally opposite schedules) to find other work, but until then, she tells me to stay there, and because I love and obey her, I stay.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I'm all fingers and fumbs
I have had some little voice in my ear telling me to post to this blog. At least I know what I want to talk about.
Or do I?
I had a session 24 hours ago with Lady Ru'Etha (I will probably call her MiLady throughout the post). I asked her very politely for a session of deep robotic programming, as i am in the process of becoming a perfectly programable autonomon (sp?). i remember her taking me down, and i felt a very good robotic skin going over my body...and for the life of me, i know MiLady has programmed me...
but for the life of me, i cannot remember WHAT she did!!!
while i am thinking about it, i am ok with it. i trust MiLady implicitly and i love her.
but nany time i try thinkk aboutt whut whshe ddi...see what I mean?
all fingers and fumbs!
josh/RobotALAN 1.0
Or do I?
I had a session 24 hours ago with Lady Ru'Etha (I will probably call her MiLady throughout the post). I asked her very politely for a session of deep robotic programming, as i am in the process of becoming a perfectly programable autonomon (sp?). i remember her taking me down, and i felt a very good robotic skin going over my body...and for the life of me, i know MiLady has programmed me...
but for the life of me, i cannot remember WHAT she did!!!
while i am thinking about it, i am ok with it. i trust MiLady implicitly and i love her.
but nany time i try thinkk aboutt whut whshe ddi...see what I mean?
all fingers and fumbs!
josh/RobotALAN 1.0
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Pleasure of Service and Service of Pleasure
It's been interesting these last couple of weeks; I finished up a temporary contract right before NEEHU, and have been at loose ends until very recently. This has meant that my service to the Goddess has been in the form of duties around the household and lining up another assignment, and just generally doing whatever She tells me to. It's that last one that was most interesting the other day--She commanded me to offer Her my pleasure. (This is kind of the advantage to having the house to myself during the day. So long as the shades are drawn, nobody's going to mind what I do.)
I wound up putting a DVD into the player, an old one I bought before I became Hers, and watching it on the couch. Actually, it didn't do much for me anymore...after years of reading and writing erotica, going to kink cons, and being in a full-time D/s relationship 24/7, just watching two women have sex is kind of bland. :) (Some people claim that you can get "desensitized" to porn and wind up needing more extreme forms to satisfy your desires; I think it's just that once you find your specific turn-ons, generic porn is less attractive. Someone whose personal hot button is two women with a strap-on is never going to be all that excited about het porn, no matter how "extreme" it gets. Everyone's got a kink, and everyone thinks everyone else's kink is "a little weird". :) )
Ultimately, though, I wound up thinking of Goddess when I came. I usually do; the things She does to me are hotter than most of the fantasies I read about, because they've really happened. I thought about Her eyes, the way they capture me...Her touch, the way it sends me deeper...Her words, the way they sink into my mind...by the end, I was chanting Her name and my eyes were open but unseeing. Then, as commanded, I texted Her with the message, "i have obeyed".
Then I took a little nap. Because you know, doing the work of the Goddess really takes it out of you. :)
I wound up putting a DVD into the player, an old one I bought before I became Hers, and watching it on the couch. Actually, it didn't do much for me anymore...after years of reading and writing erotica, going to kink cons, and being in a full-time D/s relationship 24/7, just watching two women have sex is kind of bland. :) (Some people claim that you can get "desensitized" to porn and wind up needing more extreme forms to satisfy your desires; I think it's just that once you find your specific turn-ons, generic porn is less attractive. Someone whose personal hot button is two women with a strap-on is never going to be all that excited about het porn, no matter how "extreme" it gets. Everyone's got a kink, and everyone thinks everyone else's kink is "a little weird". :) )
Ultimately, though, I wound up thinking of Goddess when I came. I usually do; the things She does to me are hotter than most of the fantasies I read about, because they've really happened. I thought about Her eyes, the way they capture me...Her touch, the way it sends me deeper...Her words, the way they sink into my mind...by the end, I was chanting Her name and my eyes were open but unseeing. Then, as commanded, I texted Her with the message, "i have obeyed".
Then I took a little nap. Because you know, doing the work of the Goddess really takes it out of you. :)
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Writer's Block
In having an additional blog, I would normally copy and paste what I have in my other blogs because some people won't look at my blog in one place but they will in another. But this one is different. Here, I have to write something unique to this space. I'm finding it's a bit difficult for me to do that. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to focus on. I thought maybe I'd write hypnosis related stuff, given certain particular significant details, but I simply don't have enough experience with it. And what little experience I do have... I haven't quite built my confidence in yet. So I still feel like it's a bit of a private subject to me. Which is funny considering I usually say that my life is an open book.
When I first started on this journey with M'Lady, I was very uncertain and still in a bit of a tizzy from other things going on at the time and there were a few times where she wanted to trance me and I actually told her no. That certainly isn't the case now *giggles* but most of my experience with trancing at this point has been through the use of recordings. NEEHU was my first "public" hypnosis experience. And it was exhilarating. I started out the weekend thinking I most likely wouldn't trance with anyone other than M'Lady and I've never been happier to be proven wrong. Next year is going to be so much more fun now that I know more people in the hypnosis community. With that being said, when I've listened to the recordings I feel like I've fallen asleep and so I can't really say what experience, if any, that I've had. I know it has helped with her being able to take me under, but other than that, I just don't know.
I've been told I trance very well, and not to worry about it, but of course my overly analytical mind keeps trying to wrap itself around what trance is supposed to be like. I guess time will tell and hindsight is 20/20. LOL
When I first started on this journey with M'Lady, I was very uncertain and still in a bit of a tizzy from other things going on at the time and there were a few times where she wanted to trance me and I actually told her no. That certainly isn't the case now *giggles* but most of my experience with trancing at this point has been through the use of recordings. NEEHU was my first "public" hypnosis experience. And it was exhilarating. I started out the weekend thinking I most likely wouldn't trance with anyone other than M'Lady and I've never been happier to be proven wrong. Next year is going to be so much more fun now that I know more people in the hypnosis community. With that being said, when I've listened to the recordings I feel like I've fallen asleep and so I can't really say what experience, if any, that I've had. I know it has helped with her being able to take me under, but other than that, I just don't know.
I've been told I trance very well, and not to worry about it, but of course my overly analytical mind keeps trying to wrap itself around what trance is supposed to be like. I guess time will tell and hindsight is 20/20. LOL
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Surviving as Service
I have returned from NEEHU2 back to North MOFN.
North MOFN [nawrth mawf-in]
- noun
1. Town in the Canadian arctic originally founded to fulfil a government requirement for a dry place to keep a filing cabinet, now a regional hub for transportation and supplying natural resource explorations. From Middle Of F'ing Nowhere, where the F may or may not stand for Freezing.
I was busy with work before and I've been busy with work and illness since, so I'm way behind on housework, getting ready to move across town, doing my taxes, cooking batch meals to take to work so I don't have to buy stuff on the way, stocking up on supplies so I don't have to buy stuff when everything has to be flown in, taking what few things can be recycled to the recycler, and generally leading a smooth and organized life. I've got catching up to do while everything's still going on.
This isn't a complaint, it's a project outline. Because this IS my project. For this phase of my life, this is my service, to get my life back on track, to make Her pet a better one. To get everything else squared away so that I can spend time with Her when She's available, and so I can get back to pursuing some sort of creative hobby so I have something to share. To reduce stress and keep Her pet healthy so that when She wants me to serve Her -- editing recordings, for example -- I can focus and do the task effectively.
I was writing a table here to keep track of my dailyselfcare tasks through the week (with unicode checkboxes for things I accomplished and gears for exercising on the bike and flowers for exercising to a video and caution signs for exceeding limits on things like soft drinks and...), but doing tables in Blogger takes up more time than getting things done, which is a trap I get in to all too often. Managed to recognize it this time before it frustrated me into giving up, though. That's a good start!
So here's the plan.
But I will start with this.
North MOFN [nawrth mawf-in]
- noun
1. Town in the Canadian arctic originally founded to fulfil a government requirement for a dry place to keep a filing cabinet, now a regional hub for transportation and supplying natural resource explorations. From Middle Of F'ing Nowhere, where the F may or may not stand for Freezing.
I was busy with work before and I've been busy with work and illness since, so I'm way behind on housework, getting ready to move across town, doing my taxes, cooking batch meals to take to work so I don't have to buy stuff on the way, stocking up on supplies so I don't have to buy stuff when everything has to be flown in, taking what few things can be recycled to the recycler, and generally leading a smooth and organized life. I've got catching up to do while everything's still going on.
This isn't a complaint, it's a project outline. Because this IS my project. For this phase of my life, this is my service, to get my life back on track, to make Her pet a better one. To get everything else squared away so that I can spend time with Her when She's available, and so I can get back to pursuing some sort of creative hobby so I have something to share. To reduce stress and keep Her pet healthy so that when She wants me to serve Her -- editing recordings, for example -- I can focus and do the task effectively.
I was writing a table here to keep track of my dailyselfcare tasks through the week (with unicode checkboxes for things I accomplished and gears for exercising on the bike and flowers for exercising to a video and caution signs for exceeding limits on things like soft drinks and...), but doing tables in Blogger takes up more time than getting things done, which is a trap I get in to all too often. Managed to recognize it this time before it frustrated me into giving up, though. That's a good start!
So here's the plan.
- Everyday: Vitamins, medication, run dishwasher, exercise (20 min bike at work or Japanese Radio Exercise no.1), weight-to-go tea, tea ritual (which I will explain in my next post), scan As Required list.
- As Required: IF basket is full THEN run laundry. IF there are clean clothes THEN fold & store.
- Weekly: Track groceries & supplies purchased, make a make-ahead batch meal for the week to come, change sheets, vacuum one floor, really clean one room, make an entry in this blog, phone parents.
- Limits: Soft drinks (1/day), alcohol drinks (2/wk), restaurant or take-out (2/mo)
But I will start with this.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Of Collaring Ceremonies
As i drove to NEEHU, i only really had one expectation, because i know that kink conventions are busy, chaotic things, and that i might not get a chance to play. That expectation was to do my part in the collaring ceremony for sleepykitten and twinklie. i remembered my own collaring ceremony at Hypnoticon, and how important it was to me.
my own quest to become M'Lady's was long and complex, and filled with personal meaning, and i knew that the quests She had set for twinklie and sleepykitten were equally personal. As i am M'Lady's Warder, my role was to challenge them, and i put quite a bit of thought into what that challenge would be. i reflected on my own relationship with M'Lady after earning Her collar, rarely perfect on my end, but still trying and striving. i thought of those who hadn't made it, as well.
When the time came, i took my station outside the door, with a bamboo staff borrowed from the dungeon that NEEHU had taken over that weekend. As sleepykitten and twinklie entered the room, i halted them, and asked their purpose. After they both answered, i pointed out that they had come a long way on their quest, and that others had failed along the same path. i was thinking of three people in particular when i loosely described those who twinklie and sleepykitten would not be joining at M'Lady's feet. One who failed, one who proved himself unworthy after earning Her collar, and one whose path lead him away from Her. i then asked if they were prepared to strive to be worthy of being Hers. To me, that was an important question, as i admit i have screwed up a few times. As they both stated they were prepared, i welcomed them as sisters and admitted them into the room.
The rest of the ceremony was quite beautiful, with each of M'Lady's Chosen speaking to sleepykitten and twinklie from their own roles. Seeing them both, who i cared about quite a bit, kneeling before M'Lady and deep in trance as She collared them, i am not in the least ashamed that i cried a bit.
twinklie, sleepykitten, sisters... i am so very proud that you made it.
My first attempt at a post here
It's been almost 2 weeks since the collaring ceremony at NEEHU2. It felt amazing to be standing and kneeling next to Squiikitoi and give myself to my Lady and Goddess after 3 and a half years of watching all of the family band together in good times and bad. While the memories of the night fade, due to fractionation fog from the weekend and funky sleep schedules due to my job, as well as my fluid and mildly chaotic personality, the knowledge that I'm officially part of the family gives me the beginnings of feelings that have been foreign to me for a long time: safety and home.
The emotional high from the weekend has faded with time, as things do. And, as I commented to someone during the post-ceremony congratulations, "Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water." (Thank you Goddess for reminding me of the exact quote that night.) That quote is one of the lessons that life has taught me many times. It fits for enlightenment and beautiful moments, as well as for the darker times. Life goes on, in many ways unchanged. I serve her as I have before, giving emotional support (and back scritches). Making sure that I take care of myself as well as others. What's changed, though, is the physical reminder that I am *HERS.* I feel my collar around my ankle, safely on yet out of sight of those who aren't in the know to avoid questions they might not like the answers to. Even when I only get to see her for a few hours a day because of our opposite sleep schedules, I feel her with me now more than ever, and it feels right.
I'm with my Goddess. I'm home.
=^_^=
Sleepykitten
Monday, May 9, 2011
Writing as Service
In a blog that is, fundamentally, about the different ways we serve our Goddess, I feel like it's worth mentioning that writing this blog entry is an act of service in and of itself. In fact, looking back, a lot of my service to Lady Ru'etha has involved writing; it's what originally brought us together, back when I was just writing erotica as a "writing exercise" and She sent me fanmail.
Then, when we were friends/something more than friends/involved but not sure how, She continued to encourage me to write. I have never made it much of a secret that my erotica isn't the only stuff I write by any means; I have a vanilla blog that would almost certainly have gone completely fallow if not for Her constant encouragement and support.
And when we finally decided that I would be Hers and submit to Her as Her pet, She encouraged and commanded and inspired me to write more erotica, while still helping me stay disciplined with my other writings. Sometimes I haven't had the energy or the time to write, but She's always continued to give me the inspiration, the encouragement and the enthusiasm to write more. She's been a devoted fan as well as an object of my devotion, and today's entry is just another offering to my Goddess. So if you like my writing, you have Her to thank for it.
If you don't, you have me to blame.
Then, when we were friends/something more than friends/involved but not sure how, She continued to encourage me to write. I have never made it much of a secret that my erotica isn't the only stuff I write by any means; I have a vanilla blog that would almost certainly have gone completely fallow if not for Her constant encouragement and support.
And when we finally decided that I would be Hers and submit to Her as Her pet, She encouraged and commanded and inspired me to write more erotica, while still helping me stay disciplined with my other writings. Sometimes I haven't had the energy or the time to write, but She's always continued to give me the inspiration, the encouragement and the enthusiasm to write more. She's been a devoted fan as well as an object of my devotion, and today's entry is just another offering to my Goddess. So if you like my writing, you have Her to thank for it.
If you don't, you have me to blame.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Post NEEHU Reckonings...
So.. I was trying to figure out what in the world I'm supposed to write here. It's supposed to be unique to this blog once a week. I shall endeavor to not bore anyone with my soliloquy. ;)
I know I've already posted one blog here. But that isn't all of the processing that needs to be done. I'm not sure exactly how much of it I feel comfortable sharing so I guess we'll see how it goes. But for now, let's get this sharpie writing.
I realized several things this weekend. The first of which is that I'm VERY picky about who I play with involving hypnosis. There were times when I would sit back and watch others playing but didn't feel comfortable enough to just go out there and say "HEY! BRING ON THE TRANCING!" This is probably due to one real reason which is too private for me to list here. I'm not going to apologize for it though because the people I DID trance with turned out to be some pretty fucking fantastic people. I didn't feel left out of anything because I chose not to participate.. Well... maybe I did, but only a tiny bit because I didn't see anyone available that I wanted to let trance me. But even if I did feel left out, it was towards myself, not against anyone that was playing, because it wasn't their fault. They were having fun. And that's important. Sometimes I get enjoyment just from watching others.
The next thing I learned is that I do have, as I called it, an upload bandwidth limit. And I learned where that is. I also learned how to release some of that energy to be able to handle more. Thank goodness I don't hit that limit often. I can think of one other time that has ever happened. I believe this happens because I do go for so long without having tremendous amounts of touch. So when I do get that much, my brain freaks out and doesn't know what to do about it. I think the answer to this is that I need to find someone that can help me expend the energy overload so that I can go back out there with a vibrancy and take on the world again. (You'll probably hear me say things like "I think" or "I believe" a lot in this post... :-P )
Something else I learned is that apparently I do energy play VERY well. And that I hold and give off a tremendous amount of energy. This subject starts to get into a very unfamiliar territory for me. I know what I do, but I don't have names for what I do. I just know that I enjoy energy play probably more than anyone else I've ever known. And I can handle a lot of it. At least that's what I've been told. This is an area of very high interest for me and something I really seriously want to learn more about. It would help if I had someone locally that I could work with... *sighs*
Ah well... That's about it for this round of self therapy. Until we meet again, dear friend. *curtsies and exits stage left*
I know I've already posted one blog here. But that isn't all of the processing that needs to be done. I'm not sure exactly how much of it I feel comfortable sharing so I guess we'll see how it goes. But for now, let's get this sharpie writing.
I realized several things this weekend. The first of which is that I'm VERY picky about who I play with involving hypnosis. There were times when I would sit back and watch others playing but didn't feel comfortable enough to just go out there and say "HEY! BRING ON THE TRANCING!" This is probably due to one real reason which is too private for me to list here. I'm not going to apologize for it though because the people I DID trance with turned out to be some pretty fucking fantastic people. I didn't feel left out of anything because I chose not to participate.. Well... maybe I did, but only a tiny bit because I didn't see anyone available that I wanted to let trance me. But even if I did feel left out, it was towards myself, not against anyone that was playing, because it wasn't their fault. They were having fun. And that's important. Sometimes I get enjoyment just from watching others.
The next thing I learned is that I do have, as I called it, an upload bandwidth limit. And I learned where that is. I also learned how to release some of that energy to be able to handle more. Thank goodness I don't hit that limit often. I can think of one other time that has ever happened. I believe this happens because I do go for so long without having tremendous amounts of touch. So when I do get that much, my brain freaks out and doesn't know what to do about it. I think the answer to this is that I need to find someone that can help me expend the energy overload so that I can go back out there with a vibrancy and take on the world again. (You'll probably hear me say things like "I think" or "I believe" a lot in this post... :-P )
Something else I learned is that apparently I do energy play VERY well. And that I hold and give off a tremendous amount of energy. This subject starts to get into a very unfamiliar territory for me. I know what I do, but I don't have names for what I do. I just know that I enjoy energy play probably more than anyone else I've ever known. And I can handle a lot of it. At least that's what I've been told. This is an area of very high interest for me and something I really seriously want to learn more about. It would help if I had someone locally that I could work with... *sighs*
Ah well... That's about it for this round of self therapy. Until we meet again, dear friend. *curtsies and exits stage left*
yet another test
Testing. Testing. Sibilance, sibilance. Frosted monkey banana giblets!
This concludes the test of the Sleepykitten RoB posting service. Had this been an actual post, it wouldn't sound like a mild drug trip. Thank you for being patient.
This concludes the test of the Sleepykitten RoB posting service. Had this been an actual post, it wouldn't sound like a mild drug trip. Thank you for being patient.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
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