Work as Service

It would be nice if we could escape the mundane concerns of the world and simply live in KinkWorld 24/7/365, enjoying each other's company and living in a full-time D/s relationship without having to deal with anything as dull as a job. But unfortunately, even for the kinky, bills need to be paid. So I have a job.

But as Lady Ru'etha has made clear, that too is part of my service to Her. Having a job is self-care and care for the family, part of my responsibilities to Her and to myself. When I pay the bills, that is a part of my service to Her (both in the sense of earning the money and in the sense of managing the finances.) It's not "financial slavery" in the sense that you'll sometimes see it used in a D/s context; that generally refers to the Dom/me taking money from the sub for frivolous purposes. The erotic charge (whatever there is--I'll confess I really don't "get" this kink) comes from knowing that the top is putting his/her selfish wants ahead of the time the bottom has spent earning that money.

This, though, is more about caring for my Lady and myself as expressed through making sure that the household functions. She is genuinely appreciative of my service, and has hypnotically conditioned me to remember that when I kiss Her goodbye and head off to work, I am serving her just as much as when I give Her a backrub or a foot massage. It really helps for those times when I'd much rather curl up with Her than go to work (which is every day, honestly) and reminds me that I am being a good boy even when I am away from Her.

Until that day when I'm a best-selling author who also won the lottery and inherited billions from Bill Gates. Then it's KinkWorld 24/7/365.

Lack of Inspiration

i haven't written anything in a couple of weeks because i literally could not think of a single thing to write about.

i've already written here about my general writer's block, but it's worse when i'm dealing with depression. i infrequently suffer from clinical depression, usually when things in my life aren't going well, but i've had it hit when they are going well, too. i've had it happen enough that i know the symptoms and know when it's more than just "my life sucks at this particular moment".

When it happens, i end up feeling isolated and lonely, and have trouble getting the motivation or energy to do anything that isn't directly related to fighting it somehow, like visiting friends, and even that is sometimes more difficult than it should be.

i've tried to force myself to write, over the past couple of weeks, and it hasn't worked. It's produced a couple of sentences at best.

Cookies!

Tonight, sleepykitten and I baked chocolate chip cookies for Lady Ru'etha, and I served them to Her, still warm, with a glass of ice-cold milk.

Service to the Goddess isn't always fancy and ritualistic, but it's always fun. And frequently delicious!

Nothing Special, Just Something Special

Earlier this week (it would have been "today", but we had an outbreak of malware that prevented blogging for a little while) I picked Lady Ru'etha up from work, as I have been of late and we had a little breakfast together and snuggles. Then we went downstairs and She climbed into bed, and I sat down at the foot of the bed. She sort of settled Herself in, and I proceeded to rub Her feet gently, steadily, and soothingly.

She chatted sleepily with me for a few moments, and then She closed Her eyes and let Her head sink onto the pillow, and I just kept on very happily petting Her feet and legs. And after a little while, I heard soft, gentle breathing slowly turning into very light, very adorable snores and I knew that She had fallen asleep, feeling my love and my touch all the while. And only then did I get up, (attempt to) blog, and get ready for work.

The moment didn't give me any great insights to share with ya's, but it was so sweet I felt like I had to share it.

One Day At A Time

Sorry for being incognito again. Been feeling like roadkill, and I honestly have no clue what to write. Lady Ru'etha has given me a suggestion or two, but when I sit down to flesh them out, nothing happens. To say I hit a wall would be an understatement. It's more like the wall hits me.

Also, I feel like the least skilled of any of Her chosen. Jukebox is Her majordomo. He helps keep track of Her schedule, makes sure She's taking care of Herself, runs certain small errands for Her and whatnot. She and Copper share a love of teas, and She seems so happy to hear him geek about plane trivia and technical knowledge. Lyinar is Her warder, and has been with Her for a long time, even if he only got his collar a few years ago. The 3 guys all also have had time to acclimate themselves and I couldn't ever see Her parting with them. They obviously hold special places in Her family, both kink and vanilla. Twinklie is Her first biological female, and is a bouncing dynamo of cuteness and energy. Even when she's exhausted, she's still incredibly interesting. They can relate and sympathize over the random quirks of female bodies and shared experiences with kids and whatnot. She and I both met Lady Ru'etha at about the same time and we were collared at NEEHU together, and I see how well they mesh and it makes me smile.

Then there's me. Needy, random, bouncing around, still searching for my path and fighting to keep to it. Most of the time, I feel like the oddest one of the bunch. I don't hold any special skills that I can put to Her service. I get along well enough with everyone, but I often feel like a stray that was adopted. I know in my head She chose me and loves me just as She loves the others, but it's hard to reach through years of betrayals and wear and tear. She obviously cares for them, and I trust that She cares for me. I've seen it over and over in the last year and a half in particular as I've integrated into the family more. It's a daily choice though, and I'm still struggling to tell myself that it's worth it. Her love for them shows me that it is.

School!

Many people know that I'm going to school to obtain my Associates in Accounting. I'm on track at this time to graduate in April-ish. With that having been said, this term is my school's transition term from quarters to semesters. On top of being a summer term. What it means is that this term is only 5 weeks long and still has as much information as a 10-15 week course. And I'm taking 3 classes. Needless to say, I'm already busy and I'm not even a full week into the term. As I've been given leave to focus on my schoolwork, you most likely won't see many posts from me over the next little while. Don't worry though, I'm not going anywhere. Just a little bit... schoolgirly. *giggles*

On Waking

Last time, I posted about the ways I help Lady Ru'etha to sleep. (Hint: Hypnosis is involved.) This time, though, I'd like to talk about the flip side of that--waking Her up. This is especially relevant since we were at a sci-fi con last weekend, and She frequently had to get up on very short sleep.

It's probably best to begin by mentioning that She is a very heavy sleeper. This is actually quite a useful thing at a con, of course, because most of them are not known for their restful and tranquil qualities. But it's also hard on Her, because once She does fall asleep, Her body is expecting to stay asleep for a full eight hours, if not more. (A rare, but exceedingly blissful luxury, is when the two of us sleep in each other's arms for ten or eleven hours.) She might set Her mind to wake up in four hours to take in a panel, but when She's in the middle of a sleep cycle, that's not easy for Her to pull out of.

Which is where I come in. It's my duty to continuously provide Her with stimulus that She can't ignore, helping Her find Her way out of the fog of sleep. And it has to be gentle stimulation, too. Absolutely has to. When She first wakes, Her conscious mind isn't fully engaged; She is dealing with events on a very primal level. Being abrupt or startling Her is very disturbing to Her, and although She will wake relatively quickly, the sensation of subconscious panic lingers for hours. I could never do that to Her, and anyone who does will have to deal with the wrath of a pudgy, balding thirty-something. :)

So what I try to do is gently and tenderly wake Her with constant contact, both physical and mental. I pet Her, I scratch Her back, I talk to Her in quiet tones...not always about anything specific, just letting Her know that the person who is with Her is someone who cares about Her deeply and loves Her so much. I usually try to give us some extra time, because I know She'll want to roll over and go back to sleep at least once (those of you who've read my blog will know about the "Snooze" trigger, and 'Wake Up Call' was based on a true story...) But that time we spend together like that is its own form of intimacy, its own expression of love and devotion. It is tender, it is warm, and it is just one of the ways that I show Her I love Her. And the soft, not-yet-awake murmurs She shares with me are one more way She shows me She loves me back.

Creativity as Service

Sorry I've not posted in a while. I've been a bit busy lately.

One of the things M'Lady wishes of Her Chosen is for us to do creative things. For Jukebox, his creative task is to keep writing. my particular creative skills are are miniature painting. Whenever i paint a miniature, i do it for M'Lady. i've gotten pretty good at it, and have even given M'Lady miniatures as gifts, like the 10th and 11th Doctor miniatures i've done for Her.

Here's a recent example of my work: