Okay, I think I'm ready to write about this.
I had an incident at work. Nobody got hurt, nothing got scratched, but things went wrong. After some analysis from without and within, and some time off I came back to work... for all of two days.
And in those two days, I decided that it wasn't healthy for me, and not safe for others, for me to keep doing this job.
I went to the doctor for a physical; I was thinking heart condition, asthma, maybe diabetes. We never got as far as a physical exam, though. After he heard me describe how I felt, he gave me a depression questionnaire. And I scored high. Way high. Moderate to moderately-severe.
Didn't see that coming. I mean, I'd had a rough couple of months, but... No, I'd had a rough couple of years. And it fits. Like Yoda said: depression leads to anxiety, anxiety leads to stress, stress leads to narrowing down on one task to the exclusion of others in moments when multitasking is most important, failing at multitasking leads to suffering. I think he said something about hitting the Ventolin inhaler more often too.
Sick leave approved, indefinite. Prescription for an antidepressant. And two weeks of hanging around at home, useless.
Well not anymore. I'm getting back on track now.
First and most important, the company has another job for me in another place, where I can use what I know, but only have to deal with one thing at a time rather than multitasking and task prioritizing. So I can have a steady job with benefits in a role where I feel useful. I discussed this at length with Goddess, and we both knew that while we really wanted for me to immigrate to be with Her, throwing me into an uncertain foreign job market when I have no transferable experience or training would wreck me in short order. So I'll do this new job for 3 to 5 years, during which time I'll get myself sorted out, set some money aside, and maybe take some distance ed courses that would make me useful in Minnesota.
I've written up morning and evening routines that involve things like exercise, the tea ritual I developed with Goddess, light/sound/MP3 hypnosis before bed, and making sure the dishes get done. I've laid out a to-do list three days ahead -- which in its first day proved a little overambitious, but I'll adjust that. I've been walking 2 to 5 kilometers almost daily, despite the well below freezing temperatures. The antidepressant makes me feel physically weak, and not in a good way, but I feel good about the changes I'm making, and overall I'm better this week than I was last week. Heck, next week I'm even going to participate in a ham radio contest.
Anyhow. I plan to make my submission to Goddess a central part of my recovery. My to-do list is largely stocked with the assignment list She wrote up for each of us in August, and that I haven't done a particularly good job of sticking to since. You're going to see the results of some of that re-dedication to Her service both here and on my other assigned blog, where I write about watching old episodes of Top Gear. My plan is to post daily, alternating between the two, until I'm either caught up on the "ten things" project or my company makes plans to move me. Some of the results you won't see. I'm not working, so there's no reason for me not to get my housework in order, which I know She approves of. Doing that will help streamline packing for the move when the time comes, too, a little bit of proactive stress reduction.
I want to be clear here, I'm not asking Her to fix me. But She's a reason for me to fix myself.
