Hypnosis as Service

To some of you who don't know Lady Ru'etha well, that might have prompted a "Buh-WHA?!?" After all, this is a hypnokinky D/s relationship we're talking about here. I, in my role as submissive, have a duty to be a blank-eyed hypnotized thrall, and Lady Ru'etha, in Her role as dominant, would be downright irresponsible not to swing a pocketwatch in front of my eyes and entrance me into a deep, helpless trance.

But anyone who's ever heard Lady Ru'etha speak (as in, "give a talk about hypnosis", not just talk) will know that She's always said that only a very foolish hypnotist doesn't take advantage of the very useful tool that they know how to use very well. She has put it as, "Hypnosis is the tool. The relationship is the power exchange." She has made very sure that just about all Her pets know how to hypnotize Her, and when She wants to be hypnotized for purposes of relaxation or stress relief, it's just as much of a command as anything else She tells us to do.

Most of the time, it is as a sleep aid; the trip from trance into sleep is very slow and gentle, and pretty much everyone who's posted to this list has at some point "put Her to bed" by doing a long, slow induction with plenty of touch (She's very kinesthetic) until She's finally so drowsy that She nods right off. It's actually amazing how wonderful an experience it is as a submissive. You wind up going into a rapport trance, where you're going almost as deep as She is (I have, on occasion, fallen asleep right along with Her. Oh darn. :) ) There's the occasional pain relief as well (very useful for when She's feeling a little too sick to Her stomach to take pain meds) but mostly it's for the relaxation.

So yes, one of the many ways I'm serving my hypnotic Goddess is to hypnotize my Goddess. Don't worry, it all makes sense...after a while. :)

More thoughts on self-care

To us who love and serve Lady Ru'etha, the phrase obedience is pleasure takes many forms. One way that frequently shows is our self care. A happy submissive will serve better, and our Lady wants us to be happy, and has ordered us to do things to take care of ourselves, so that, in itself, is service.

My self care usually involves a number of little things across my day. Enjoying a long, hot shower, eating right (by eating smaller meals but more of them), making sure I take my meds for my HRT, and even searching for ways to improve my complexion all are things that happen almost every day. These are the ones that I often don't even think of as service to Her, simply because I don't think about them, but, when it comes down to it, by doing these for me, I'm doing them for Her.

Then there's the things that happen less frequently, such as a new book, going to a movie, buying other nice things that I enjoy (I happen to *LOVE* the store Lush, and am slowly replacing all my bath stuff with their stuff =^_^=). Those are the ones that I really have to watch myself on, since they are extra expenditures, but I try to balance out finances and pleasure.

I'm also trying to improve my situation overall, as part of my self care. I've begun looking into local colleges and trying to find social groups to be a part of. Family is family and can't be replaced, but as a social person, I need to get out and hang from time to time. I find it more enjoyable to share my experiences with others, as opposed to going alone.

Emotions and their role in a poly relationship

Being in poly relationships can be very tough emotionally. You aren't just opening yourself to one person, but multiple people. For me, it can be very beneficial because when I'm feeling down, I don't just have just one person wanting to know how I'm feeling and what is causing me to feel down, I have several. Each person honestly wants to know what is wrong (if anything is) and how they can make things better. When something good happens, everyone else is happy with me.

The reason M'Lady's group works so well is because we all care about each other. Not everyone in the group is romantically involved. That part doesn't matter. What matters is that we care about each other because we care about her. And in caring for each other, there is a trust and respect, even love, that we have for each other. Times aren't always easy. If they were, then it wouldn't be real. But at the same time, we earnestly wish to help each other and make things better as best we can.

In becoming a part of the group, I have had to share more feelings than I have had to do in a long time. I have more sounding boards for when I'm not certain about something. When I'm nervous or scared, excited or angry. And I love each and every person in this group for the support they give me and the care they show for me. I don't know that I can accurately express my gratitude for each and every one of them. And for M'Lady.

And now that I've gone all sappy and mushy, the bottom line is that in being poly, you can provide yourself with so much more support. I honestly can't imagine being monogamous and only having one focal point for the amount of support I need. (and this is were some people call me a greedy little bleep LOL)

Firstly, apologies to my Lady and our readers for being late. My computer has been mostly dead, and I honestly dread typing a blog post on my iPod with a dread that is hard to put into words. It is on it's way to being fully reawakened, but it's not quite there yet.

I feel like I let Her down by not posting on time for last week. That is not a happy feeling to me. In addition to not wanting to let Her down simply because that is not cool, there is a part of me that gets honestly scared when I do. It's a long story as to why, and my story is one that doesn't need to be rehashed here. If you really want to know, pop over to my blog and comment and I'll post about it. 

Suffice to say that I constantly watch for signs that things are going south, so I can prepare emotionally and in other ways. That has served me well in the past, and kept me from being homeless on one major occasion. It is genuinely hard for me to believe that, since She has accepted me into Her life and family, I will be a part of it until either I commit some kind of horrid infraction or life circumstances change in rather drastic ways where no one is really to blame. (Neither of which I plan on, mind you. I just think that way, until She sees fit and has the time and energy to program me a different way. Sometimes factory default settings kind of suck, ya know?)

It's nothing on Her part, and, in fact, She frequently goes out of Her way to assure me that She is keeping me and I'm not going anywhere, but it's hard to convince a heart and mind that have had that level of betrayal in the past. I have no idea why She has given me Her love and trust the way She has. I'm just honored and blessed to have it and I hope I continue to prove worthy of it in Her eyes.

Backsies!

Last week, I talked about how much I enjoy giving Lady Ru'etha footrubs, foot massages, and generally worshiping Her feet with the sort of generalized unconscious effortlessness that accompanies doing something you've been brainwashed to do. But it's occurred to me that by discussing the wonderful, joyous, mindless bliss I get from rubbing Her feet, I've neglected the far greater pleasure I (and She) get when I rub Her back!

Understand, Lady Ru'etha is kinesthetic. She experiences the world most strongly, and relates to it best, through the sense of touch. She is a sensualist, and the connection we share through touch is a very primal and vital one. As a result, pretty much whenever we are in physical space, we touch. We touch to establish that connection between us, we touch because She loves to be touched and it feels good, and we touch because I know it makes Her happy and I am deeply conditioned to please Her. As a result, whenever you see us, I have my hand on Her back--through Her clothes, under them or against Her deliciously bare skin--and I'm lightly and gently petting Her.

"Light" is the key word; She's used the word "butterfly touches" to describe Her ideal sensation. Fingernails are also good, but again, light scratches. If you leave marks, you're doing it wrong. Motion is important, too. The hand should roam over the entire back, including the buttocks, and should never stay in one place for long. (Occasional ventures around to the belly are okay but not great.) Kisses can and should be liberally sprinkled in with the scratches and rubs.

This is something I don't consciously think about when I'm petting Her, of course. I literally don't think about petting Her at all. My brain does not need to involve itself in the process; the action of reaching out and touching Lady Ru'etha is as automatic and instinctive as breathing. So what makes this the action of a pet? It is instinctive because She has conditioned me to perform the behavior to the level of instinct. Years of hypnosis and training have made me Her pet that pets, as it were. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Drama, and the Lack Thereof

Because M'Lady is often busy, I don't get to play with Her often. Because of this, She allows me to play with others. Because i know that i am Hers, and that knowledge is alloyed into my very being, i feel safe in doing so, especially in Second Life. i haven't really had much opportunity to do so in RL, but the same thing applies. Pretty much all of the people i play with with any regularity respect me for this, even if i have had people tell me after some scenes that they regret that i'm already owned (i take this as a compliment, both to me and to M'Lady).

One of the people i play with fairly regularly in Second Life has been having to deal with a rather unfortunate amount of drama in the group of people connected to her, and after helping calm a particular situation last week, i got to thinking about how grateful i am that, thanks to a variety of factors, drama like that doesn't happen in our, well, family.

Part of it, i think, is that those of us who are Chosen had to earn M'Lady's collar. Even those online who don't follow the regrettably common practice of collaring someone after a couple of scenes still don't quite have the same connection that M'Lady has with each of us. Another part is likely that we have all met each other in RL and have a fair amount in common aside from just being M'Lady's and being into hypnosis. i'm pretty sure our combined levels of geekiness might have something to do with why we each ended up with M'Lady to begin with, but it still serves as a fairly major point through which we all bond.

In short, i am very proud to call each of you brother or sister... every bit as proud as i am to be M'Lady's.

2005, Now In Sepia Tones

Goddess gave me a pass on blogging the week before last, but that's long since used up. Get back to work!

As I first sat down to write this, the radio was playing Foreigner's "Feels Like The First Time." Aside from being a pretty good Jukebox story, the song somewhat topical, because as I sort through memories of trance, I keep coming back to one of my earlier ones, which isn't so much sexy as it was life-changing.

When I first met Her, I was in university. Pretty soon most of my spending money was going into calling Her -- no, I wasn't paying Her, the long distance plan on the campus dormitory phone service just sucked that bad. You'd think that given how much we paid to live there... luckily, VoIP clients were starting to come into their own at the time. Anyhow, I wasn't Hers right away, we didn't even do trance play at all until we'd been talking for a couple of weeks.

When I first started playing with trance, I'd get to feeling puffy and bloated... but not in a negative way, if that makes any sense. I think it was about being more aware of what my body was doing in the moment, and more signal must mean there's more body. Or something. It took a while to realize that the fact I don't feel that anymore doesn't mean I'm not going as deep into trance, it means I'm getting more accustomed to how I feel when I'm in trance.

What was I talking about? Right. Trance memories. So after a while She offered to make me Hers and after some careful consideration I accepted. And early on, She planted a suggestion to, now and again, as long as it wasn't distracting, be particularly aware of the fact that I was Hers and feel good about that.

And there I was sitting up in the back row of a half-empty lecture amphiteatre, dutifully jotting down notes from the overhead projector when I suddenly realized I didn't need to be writing down this particular material because I knew it already. I could give my tired brain and wrist a break until we moved on to something I didn't know.

And I was Hers. And it was good to be Hers. And there was a little squirming in the chair, and that was okay because I was just another faceless student taking notes and nobody was paying attention. And everything felt GOOD. And I sat there and daydreamed that I was back in my dorm room passively listening to Her voice in the headset, and She was telling me to imagine that I was with Her in person (which wouldn't actually happen for another six months or so) and there was holding skin-on-skin...

Until I picked up on cues that the prof was wrapping up the lecture. Then, BAM, focused again taking notes on reading and homework, because focusing when I needed to focus was also part of Her commands (something I've let slip in the years since!).

Then I went to the computer lab and wrote Her an email (on an eMac!), which is something I did on a fairly frequent basis back then. :)

If I remember right, I got a 'B' in that course, too.

Shoeses and Feetses

The important thing to understand is, I don't have a foot fetish.

I mean, I am aware that feet exist, and I am convinced of their undeniable importance. If our legs ended in stumps, the human race would probably not have conquered Everest. (It's a bold statement, but I think you'll agree.) But beyond appreciating their usefulness for purposes of walking, running, and making bold sock-based fashion statements, I've never really cared much about them one way or the other.

But it is safe to say I have a Lady Ru'etha fetish.

I love to worship Her. I love to touch and pet Her beautiful body, from the top of Her oh-so-kissable head to the tips of Her gorgeous toes. If Her feet are in front of me, I find myself unconsciously reaching out to caress them, to rub and scritch and occasionally kiss. Sometimes I'm not even aware I've done it until I look down at what my hands are doing to realize that they've spent the last five minutes lost in a trance of foot worship, and that the warm fuzzy feelings I've been having are from that and not just from being near Her.

When Her feet need deeper attention, I'm happy to get out the lotion and spend long and happy whiles rubbing the cream into Her feet until they glisten. I get absolutely lost in the ritual of pampering Her, not really thinking at all except perhaps to notice how blissful and aroused I'm becoming through the act of foot worship.

Even the simplest, everyday foot attention is an act of service to Her: When we go out, I go and get Her shoes and slip them on Her feet for Her, both of us knowing full well that She is perfectly capable of performing this act Herself but that it is a sign of how deeply and thoroughly She owns me that I do it for Her without being told. Nobody even notices, but to us, it is a sign of our deeper relationship as Goddess and pet.

So yes, I don't have a foot fetish. But from watching me with Lady Ru'etha...you probably wouldn't know it.

A Trance Memory of the Goddess

It happened a couple of years ago, back when I still worked nights and I still worked weekends. I had a Sunday night shift where the only person in the building was me and not nearly enough work to fill an eight hour shift, and She knew it.

She put me under that evening, before I came in to work, and told me that every once in a while that night, I would feel Her fingers brushing the back of my neck and it would make me shiver in pleasure and remember how deeply Her control held me, how owned I truly was.

Now keep in mind, we had never actually experimented with sensory hallucinations. A lot of hypnokinky people play with it regularly, but apart from the good old-fashioned orgasm trigger, we hadn't done much of anything with the "you will see/hear/feel this sensation." I was actually semi-worried that when we did get to it, I wouldn't be able to do it. But that was the last thing on my mind when She commanded me that night.

Instead, I found out that at least when it came to tactile hallucinations, I was a natural. Every touch felt so real that I could swear She was there, every shudder of delight got stronger and stronger as the night went on. By morning, I was literally sinking to my knees with each tremor of bliss that passed through me, my legs no longer desiring to support me as I gave in to the feeling and the knowledge that all this came from Her.

Of course, my subconscious was in complete control of the process; if someone had come in unexpectedly, or if I had work to do, my own sense of safety would have prevented the command from kicking in. But to my conscious mind, the touches were unpredictable, delicious, and intense. We've had many lovely experiences since then, and will have many more. But this one was special in its own way.

Trance Memories

i have a few trances with M'Lady that stick out in particular in my memory.

First is one from quite a while ago, where M'Lady hypnotized me over the course of a few weeks, prior to me visiting Her, to react to a perfumed handkerchief as if it were chloroform, and surprised me during the visit with it, which then led into an interesting kidnap scene as She and the woman who was, at that time, Mistress to both of us, brought a friend up to her home in Virginia, with me tranced out and being brainwashed in the back seat of the car. It didn't quite go as planned, as i ended up safewording in order to be supportive when M'Lady was having an issue with carsickness, but it was still very yummy.

Another, not as hot, but still interesting, was just before we got back together, when She spent several sessions at DragonCon 2007 prior to Her panel that year, essentially building resistance up in me so that going under for Her would be as if i had never tranced for Her before, so it wouldn't seem unbelievably easy when She called on me to be "Exhibit A" for the panel.

Another, coming back from Dark Odyssey the last year we went, had Her trancing me using a trigger that just sort of happened, wherein She cupped Her hand over my nose and mouth like a gas mask, and had me breathe in 'trance gas'. Normally, it only takes about a minute for me to go VERY deep for that, but on the train ride back that year, She, at my request, kept me breathing in the 'trance gas' for quite a while. i don't really remember much, except that it was wonderful.

And last, but not least in this list, was when She had me take a melatonin supplement and listen to one of Her trances, while trying to write a blog post on Fetlife. If you look under my "Writing" section there, you'll see the results of that. ;)

My Favorite Trance Memory of Her

Lips locked and bodies pressed against one another, breathing synced with the motions in place. Suddenly attention is turned and a voice takes over, causing thoughts to fade. Her hand in mine, her energy warm and soft against us. She turns our attentions inwards even as it is entirely focused on her, as we do her bidding. Her will carries us higher, seeking places not seen before until all we can do is repeat the mantra she has set to us. Skin dancing in the darkness, her eyes glow as she watches, touches, feels.

She wants and we give gladly. Minds intertwined with no thought our own, we make our way skywards, naked and beautiful in our glory. Her words giving pleasure, she takes us where she wants us, until finally we crash in unison, our moans mingling in the night, to be carried on the wind until they can be heard no more. Once more she brings us back, to sleep together, snuggled close and resting oh so deeply under her will.

Favorite Trance Memory - Sleepykitten

Honestly, 2 moments come to mind.

September 2007: The last night of Dragon Con. I'd just met Lady Ru'etha a few hours before at the hypnosis panel. Then we all spent a few hours shooting the breeze and those of us who were new were beginning to get to know everyone. I step out to run to the restroom. When I leave the restroom, I see a pair of excited, mischievous eyes and Her sweet, beautiful voice drops me into trance. She holds me and tells me how happy She was to meet me and how She had been wanting to play with my mind all night long. She then tells me, in that "you are *GOING* to do this" way that She seems to have, that when I return to the hotel room, I will find myself aroused and thinking of Her. I will relieve myself while whispering as quietly as possible that "obedience is pleasure." (Yes, my eyes did just flutter and I shivered. Why do you ask?) At that point, I was Hers. No question about it.

Fast forward just shy of 4 years later.

May 2011: We all are in Connecticut for NEEHU2. I had volunteered to be an appetizer server for the meet and greet mingling time opening the con. My Lady sends me to the kitchen to wait for whatever they want to send me out with to serve everyone. I get a tray of stuff and start offering it to folks. As I approach Her table, She excuses Herself, and suddenly, Her eyes and voice are the only thing in the room. I drift down and serve Her by serving others. Every time I pass Her, She deepens the trance. Bouncing back and forth from light to deep trance definitely felt wonderful, but not as wonderful as Her praise as I obeyed.

Transcription

One of the duties that M'Lady has given me is transcription. During my quest, one of the things i did was to transcribe trance MP3s that i had gotten when we were apart, to help Her learn and perfect Her own technique. i've also transcribed preliminary versions of Her files so She can fine-tune them.

Currently, i'm working on transcribing the EMC Podcast entries for which She only has the notes that She was working from as She was recording them. It's fairly slow going, thanks to having to continually go back in the file to make sure i'm getting everything down right. Thanks to having my plans somewhat upended yesterday and network trouble today, i'm actually a bit behind on it at the moment.

Sorry this entry is a bit short, but i've kind of hit the wall and need to be up fairly early in the morning to take my roommate to work and get finished with the file i'm transcribing.

What Lady Ru'etha and I Did Last Night

We looked at furniture!

No, wait, come back, this is really a post about D/s, I promise!

See, one of the things that Lady Ru'etha has been looking forward to, for quite some time now, is the chance to buy a small round table that She can use as Her altar. (Not to Herself, or anything. She's pagan, and this is part of Her religious studies.) We'd had our eye on a nice little table, but we were waiting until the time was right to get it. This Friday looked like just the right time...except that I was scheduled to work overtime until after the furniture store had closed.

But I had made a promise to Her that we were going to get that table no later than Friday. It was a promise made by me, in my official capacity as lover and pet to Lady Ru'etha, and I don't take those things lightly. (And not just because She owns me, either.) So I spent my lunch hour on Friday driving out to the furniture store to pick up a lovely little round table...

...which was sold out. "Sorry," they said. "We had a couple in stock a few months ago, but they were one-of-a-kind items and they're gone." This was officially Crushing News. After all, I'd promised a table, and I was not going to be able to deliver. The rest of the day passed in a haze of misery (okay, that's hyperbole. It passed in a haze of misery, chit-chat with my co-workers, hard work, and the occasional giggle at Diana Wynne Jones' "The Tough Guide To Fantasyland".) And finally I came home and broke the news to Lady Ru'etha.

Who took it in stride. After all, it was just a table. (I tend to forget that She's actually a very sweet, easygoing person when I have trouble doing things for Her.) But nonetheless, when I suggested we go look around at other furniture stores, She jumped at the chance. We spent the next couple of hours pricing tables at different places, and finally took home a very nice white table that She will happily decorate. So I managed to serve Her after all, She got Her table on Friday, and we did it together!

I love a happy ending.

Self-care is not always as easy as it sounds

All of us have the standing order of self-care. And I find that order, of everything our Goddess has asked of me, to be the hardest one to intentionally follow.

I eat when I'm hungry, drink when I'm thirsty and sleep when I'm tired, yes. However, do I eat right? I don't know, but, if I had to guess, probably not. Do I get enough good sleep? Again, probably not. I pamper myself in little ways like She's suggested. I take long, hot showers, much to the chagrin of almost every roommate I've ever had. I try to keep my nails painted and nice-smelling stuff on me. Consistency, thy name is *NOT* Sleepykitten, though.

I see three things that make self-care much more difficult than it really should be. First, my attention is something that I've always had trouble focusing. Surprising for a hypno-sub, right? I find that I will get into reading, chatting, watching a video or whatever and I'll lose track of my personal needs. By the time I honestly realize I'm hungry, it's usually by the point where my stomach is very achey and I'm slightly off-kilter and need to eat *NOW.* Same with being thirsty or sleepy. To say I lack a daily routine would be an understatement.

Second, some of it is a money issue. My brain tends to bounce back and forth between spending like a kid with their parents' first credit card and feeling like a miser because I really should save. Buying body washes, face masques, etc.. at Lush feels like an expense I really shouldn't be taking. Getting my nails and hair done tends to be out of the question completely because those are really expensive, and my current job is hell on my poor nails anyway.

Third, there's that nagging part of my brain that keeps telling me there's no point. Some of you witnessed it in action a few times, such as Frolicon and even a little at NEEHU. It's slowly getting weaker, but it's still there. Time and starving it of attention and proof will help to finish returning it to the tiny voice that it should be, instead of the gargoyle on my shoulder.

They are improving on their own, in little ways. As our Lady's hours stabilize, however, I hope to work with Her to improve all of those issues, in order to serve Her better.