Eight Ways to Win My Heart

It's worth mentioning that these are in no particular order. I don't pretend to know my own heart well enough to prioritize it. I think this is probably the first time I've ever tried to figure out what it even likes. :)

8. Like my writing. It's shameless egotism, I know, but my writing is an expression of myself. Saying that you like it tells me that you understand me.

7. Enjoy vegging out. For me, a lot of the best times I've spent with friends and family don't involve going someplace special and doing some kind of grand, organized activity; just hanging out and watching TV or playing games can be fun if you do it with the right people. I'm very happy to say I know a lot of the right people.

6. Read a lot. One of the ways that Goddess makes me happiest is that She enjoys reading, She reads very quickly, and She and I can really discuss what we read together on an intellectual level. She appreciates subtext and symbolism, She's terrifyingly smart, and I really feel like I can converse with Her as an equal about books we both like.

5. Backrubs. Hey, I'm no dummy. :)

4. Understand my sense of humor. I don't necessarily ask you to share it; my sense of humor was shaped by my grandfather, Mystery Science Theater 3000, and the Muppets. This means that it is generally strange and bent towards bad puns. If that makes you cringe, you're probably not the person for me.

3. Top me. I have very rarely had a relationship in which I wasn't at least a little subby at times. It makes me feel happy to do nice things for people, and if that shades a little bit into D/s, then so much the better.

2. Make me feel wanted. Lady Ru'etha's greatest gift as a person is that She has a knack for making you feel special, loved, and desired. I didn't get much of that before Her, and it was a wonderful experience having it happen. There are a lot of important things I do that probably would have fallen by the wayside without Her encouragement.

1. Don't be afraid to be informal. I like simple food, I dress comfortably, and I don't do much formal entertaining. I like to feel as though it's okay to simply be myself, and I love people who like to simply be themselves too, whatever those selves happen to be.

9 Things of Myself

1: i used to fight parts of my soul, and back before i had actually grown up, it made me seem a bit, well, emo. i've learned to accept all of who i am now, and even the worst parts of me have had a purpose in my life, and in some cases have saved it. In accepting the good and the bad (and the parts of me that lots of people have problems reconciling that don't really fall under either), i've gained a measure of control over the worst parts, and peace with the seemingly mutually-exclusive parts.

2: i have met so gorram many cool people at DragonCon that i genuinely pity those who have never been, and i long to return almost as much as i long to be with M'Lady again (which, as my brothers and sisters in Her service know, is saying a hell of a lot). Seriously, my personal calendar used to begin and end on Labor Day weekend.

3: i'm not actually jealous of my roommate's skill at painting miniatures. After all, i taught him over the course of weeks the skills that took me years to figure out on my own. He's still got the same problem the Simpsons has in catching up with Doctor Who, though, because i keep learning and trying new things. i am a bit envious, though, just because he actually HAS a teacher, and i never did.

4: Sometimes i wish i could write like i used to. It seems like a large amount of my inspiration has gone from writing to converting and painting miniatures, and coming up with campaigns for RPGs i may or may not ever get a chance to run.

5: At work, i put up a sign i made by hand using my l33t calligraphy skills that says "Welcome to the (Company Name) Service Desk. Let the Lord of Chaos reign!", and wrote, translated into Icelandic by Google and written in proper Futhark, "Claimed by Loki" on the whiteboard. Neither have been taken down so far. Given what we've experienced in getting started up, i'm not surprised.

6: Big surprise here to anyone who knows me (sarcasm? me? NO! :p), but i actually like cuddling and doing other, more interesting things, such as hypnosis, bondage, flogging, etc., more than sex.

7: When i listen to music, i feel a need to actually learn and understand the lyrics, and will actually stop listening to otherwise awesome music if i don't like them. i'll also listen more to music whose lyrics i like than to that with lyrics i'm indifferent to. Which puts "I Am The Walrus" in a very weird place for me, separate from the weird place everyone ELSE puts it in.

8: While most of the video games i like tend to have a fair amount of violence in them (i do love several games set in the Warhammer 40k setting, after all, and the Total War series of historically-based wargames), i do greatly respect the makers of the Tony Hawk games and Portal and its sequel for demonstrating that you could have MASSIVELY awesome games without a single bit of real violence in them. i do wish they'd bring the Tony Hawk games back to when they didn't suck, though.

9: i LOVE rollercoasters, even though i'm still pretty scared of heights... Possibly because of it, actually. i've ended up riding an inverted rollercoaster (with your feet dangling and a safety-harness dropping down from above you, with heavily padded bars on either side of your head) and asking my companion, because i was too high on adrenaline to be properly coherent, "Do your eels fear warm?", when i meant "Do your ears feel warm?" i'm PROUD to have ridden two different rollercoasters that were the tallest in the world when i rode them, including the first to top 300 ft.

Nine Things About Me

1. I love playing skeeball. It's my favorite game to play whenever I go to Chuck E. Cheese's or any kind of arcade or carnival that has it.

2. I have an insatiable love for older horror films (primarily 60's-early 80's). Anything involving werewolves and vampires especially although pretty much anything involving the supernatural can fall into this area too. Key examples: Love at First Bite, Count Yorga, Vampire, High Spirits and Howling (all of them).

3. I didn't walk in my high school graduation. I won't go into the reasons why but I ended up having to take a summer class to finish and so the school wouldn't let me walk. It sucked. Badly.

4. I often don't speak about my wants and desires when it comes to a personal level when dealing with someone because I'm scared of being hurt and I want to please the other person. It's hard for me to remember that sometimes being pleasing means letting others know what I want and need from them. Asking for what I want means that I am opening myself to the possibility of it actually happening which equates to vulnerability for me. The usual feeling is that it's better not to open that door than to do it and be hurt. I'm working on changing this mindset and not letting myself be hurt when things don't turn out as I'd wish with those I am close to.

5. I learn things by doing. I have to have my hands into whatever it is I'm learning in order to retain the information. If I can't picture it in my head, I can't grasp the concept. Which is really funny considering that I'm going for my degree in accounting.

6. I once rode the Freefall at Six Flags 5 times in a row. I couldn't walk after it because I was dizzy from the adrenaline rush.

7. I sprained my neck when I was 4. I know from personal experience that jumping on a bed can be hazardous. I was lucky I didn't get hurt any worse.

8. I have an affinity with animals. I have had animals that won't bond with others bond with me and cause people to look at me with mouths dropped when it happens. Most of these times I didn't even know the animal was like that. An example- I had a wild frog when I was younger that would eat bugs out of my hand.

9. I know how to play a piano. Kind of. I had to quit piano lessons before I truly knew how to play. One of my goals is to complete learning how to play someday.

Nine things about yourself

1. I am *RIDICULOUSLY* touch and scent oriented. Snuggling up to someone who smells good is heaven to me.
1a. "Smells good" means their natural smell for the most part. Artificial scents don't do much for me.
2. Despite not being visually oriented, I can easily get lost in a book or video.
3. Speaking of, I have an absolutely horrid sense of time. I could be doing something like taking a shower and swear that only 10 minutes have passed, only to find it's a lot closer to 30. (Which makes timing myself difficult. If you see me looking at my phone a lot, there's a 50/50 chance that I'm actually trying to make sure I'm not taking too long.)
4. I am very much a cat. I love to wander, explore, play and get into things. However, I also know where my home and loved ones are and will always come home. The flip side is that it also means I'm easily distracted by things.
5. I never forget my debts. I may not handle them as well as other people do (or wish I did), but they are always there in my mind.
6. I don't think I ever developed jealousy. If I see someone happy when I'm not, I don't want to take it away from them. I may not show it well (especially when I'm not in a good headspace), but I love when people are happy.
7. I identify with and love children. They are absolutely precious and need to be protected and cared for. However, I plan to never have any of my own. My mental state is too off to raise one right, and I'd never risk inflicting things done to me on a child. That being said, I love to romp and run and play silly little games.
8. My life is almost unrecognizable from what it was 10 years ago. It wasn't the big things like 9/11 that changed me, either. It was personal things like betrayals and acceptance from unexpected places.
9. I do my best to be 100% up front and honest with people. I may not always be good at doing it tactfully, but I consider lying to be dishonorable, and a true stain on the soul.

10 things to 10 people

... is this thing on?

1. I miss you like crazy. I wish our schedules worked together more often.

2. You too.

3. And you.

4. You are a bigger piece of my soul than you can possibly ever know. And you know a LOT. You know me better than anyone else; there is a reason I chose you as the first recipient of the biggest secret of my life.

5. You make me laugh so much. You have no idea how wonderful you are.

6. Thanks for everything.

7. I miss you more than I could ever tell you.

8. 11 years after your death, you are still the finest, greatest, most wonderful man I ever knew, and you were taken from this world years too soon. You would be so proud to see the woman I've become.

9. You're weird! I like weird!

10. Your child will grow up in a home of love and awesome music. I can hardly wait.

9 Things I Like About Me

Or at least, 9 things I think are interesting about me. :)

9. I once stuck my finger in a bear's mouth. (In my defense, it was a very young bear. I only wound up with bruises instead of a missing finger.)

8. I haven't played in a while, but back in my college years, I spent a lot of happy hours on the 'Infinity' MUD. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't decided to become a wizard. I had very little interest in coding, but lots in playing.

7. I have an officially licensed Doctor Who short story in print. (Well, possibly still in print. I think the license changed hands now.)

6. I am a huge Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan; my favorite episode is probably "Zombie Nightmare", although "Space Mutiny" is a close second.

5. I remain, at this point, one credit shy of my college degree. It is still on my list of Things To Do.

4. I still have a scar on my right knee from an injury I sustained when I was thirteen, playing dodgeball on the beach. (I dove out of the way of the ball and skidded into a buried rock. The nearest hospital was a half-hour away and there were two groups of people before us in the emergency room with serious injuries. I am still proud of how well I handled the pain.)

3. I have a very strong stomach. I have not vomited since seventh grade.

2. I am one of the very few people who actually loved the hell out of "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist".

1. I don't like theme parks in general, but I love water parks. Schlitterbahn is a truly joyous experience that everyone should go to at least once.

10 things to 10 people

1. Fifteen years on, I will never be able to repay you two. But I'll keep trying. Like Hello Kitty says, I ain't no punk bitch.
2. Write another book or I'm going to chain you to your desk until you do. If I have to do that, though, I promise to keep you supplied with pizza and Coke.
3. I'm keeping you in my life. Forever and ever. One day, you'll believe that.
   
4. I don't think I'm the person you want me to be, but thank you for making me feel like I could have been.
   
5. I don't know, and finding out is scary.
   
6. I was looking at your photograph, couldn't help myself, I just had to laugh; I was drinking to you. I'll be thinking of you, thinking of me, thinking of you next time 'round.
   
7. I tried to keep an open mind. I tried not to let other peoples' stories about you colour my judgement. But I think you've shown that you're a lying, selfish, manipulative ass. I will interact with you with cold civility as required, but I refuse to play your games.
   
8. I wish you two could have seen the man that I became. I'd like to think you'd be proud, even where I've made choices you wouldn't.
9. You aren't yet capable of understanding the stupidities of this world when we inherited it, and explaining them to you is going to be fun. When you finally start to understand what this world was like then (it only took me 20 years), we'll laugh, or cry, probably both. Some of it is better now, some is a lot worse, but I think it's a net positive... though largely because many of the stupidities fell apart on their own, so it's not like we can take much credit. I promise to do my best to patch this world up a bit more before we hand it down to you. I hope there's enough left for you to enjoy when we're done with it.
10. Whatever I did to deserve You, I wish I knew, so I could do it again and again. Please keep me.
    

Assignment 2: Nine things about yourself

1. At 11 I had read the Leonard Maltin Movie Guide back to front so many times that I practically memorized the ratings. 
2. Along with the other males of my family, I have a strong tolerance of/indifference towards temperature extremes, not even noticing when it's too cold out for shorts or too hot for a jacket.
3. When I moved to San Diego at age eight, my mother took me door to door in our neighborhood so I could make friends with all the other children. It went about as well as you could expect. 
4. My ears only opened up to music when I was 22. Previously I could tolerate almost anything being played, but didn't really notice or care about it. I've been making up for it ever since.
5. I know a secret about Thomas Pynchon. 
6. I was an incredibly picky eater as a child. For Thanksgiving, my parents made me a peanut butter sandwich which they then cut with a turkey-shaped cookie cutter. 
7. The only sport I've ever been good at is swimming, because I'm a tactile learner, and the water gives me constant feedback on my form. 
8. When I first got off the train in Grand Central and saw all the people walking purposefully towards their jobs, I knew that I wanted to live in New York. 
9. My idols are Buster Keaton, Harry Houdini, and my grandfather. 

Ten Things Said

So, here are my ten things said to ten anonymous people... It's going to be a mix of personal and some things said to people i don't know personally. Several of these will apply to more than one person.

1: i know you're used to dealing with good little Christians who think that fighting back is wrong. i am unburdened by those beliefs. All i ask is that i and my coworkers be treated with respect and our dealings with you be handled with some basic level of competence, and i will fight for that.

2: i miss you, and want to have a chance to cuddle with you again. You're made of awesome and win, and more people should tell you that in person.

3: i miss our games of Warhammer, and wish we'd had a chance to do more. Maybe next year's DragonCon.

4: i'd love to get a chance to play with you at some point... i've liked you a lot since we first met, and i'll probably actually be saying this in-person soon.

5: i am glad i got a chance to meet you before your death. The world seems a bit less bright without you.

6: For the love of the Gods, stop destroying your greatest works, you git!

7: Please, when you give your word to do something, *remember it*. i have Nerf and know where you sleep.

8: The whole "two weeks notice before we release stuff" thing isn't really working. Other companies have managed to keep increasing interest in their upcoming releases over the course of *months*.

9: i'm sorry i don't call more often. Most of the time, i really am busy, and sometimes, i just don't want to call without good news.

10: i miss you and love you. i am *SO* glad i'm finally in a position to work on getting into the necessary financial state to be able to move.

10 Things To 10 People

Right, so...totally anonymous, apparently. I'm taking it to be "10 Things I Want To Say To 10 People Who Will Remain Anonymous", not "10 Things I Want To Say, Anonymously, To 10 People". (There is a big difference.) I will say, though, that none of these things, good or bad, are about anyone else who posts here, because I think they already know how I feel about them. :)

10. Stop it with the drugs. I know you think that it's enhancing your creativity, but it takes more than creativity to be a good writer. It takes discipline, and you lose that when you're constantly stoned off your ass. Your work has gotten sloppy, you are on the verge of becoming irrelevant, and you would produce better stuff if you only did pot recreationally between gigs.

9. Go direct some more. You really were brilliant, and the shame about you quitting for so long isn't just that you got rusty, it's that we were denied so many potentially great movies. Go out, spend some of the billions you've accumulated on doing tiny little indie movies...they don't even need to be science fiction...and try to rediscover your joy.

8. I miss you. You died way too young.

7. I will always miss you. "Though pain may fade with time, our love for you never will."

6. You were selfish, manipulative, and if I knew then what I know now, I would have never let you treat me the way you did. I swallowed my pride and allowed myself to be made to be the bad guy because I thought it was for the good of the community and because you were a respected figure, but in the end none of that mattered because everyone saw through you anyway. They might have done it sooner if I'd stood up for myself.

5. I wish I had more time for you guys. You're still very good friends, and you always will be.

4. The best way to recapture the feel of the Silver Age isn't to slavishly imitate it; one of the best things about the era was the constant feeling that you were seeing something brand new, something nobody had ever thought of before. Bringing back Kanjar Ro and his Gamma Gong again is not going to do that.

3. You are really brilliant. You give me something to aspire to as a writer.

2. I'm sorry I don't see you more often. I'll try to visit more, I promise.

1. I love you.

10 Things

My turn to answer our Lady's call. 10 things I want to say to people, anonymously. Here we go:

1. You git. It sucks to say this, but I am glad to be rid of you. All I ever wanted was to make you happy, and you used that to hurt me.
2. You hypocrite. You sided with #1, despite bearing the same blows I did. Then you *DARE* to judge me for no longer running when called? To you and #1, I wish peace. I also wish you two to stay the hell out of my life.
3. You were a lifesaver. I know you may not hear it from me very often, but you were there for me during some of the darkest times in my life, and I owe you a lot for it.
4. You are my best friend, ever. We may not talk often, but you have had a special place in my heart for years, and you will never leave.
5. I thank you for the many lessons you taught me and I hurt for the pain I have brought you. Stop haunting me.
6. I know I can be overly emotional and clingy at times. I try not to be and I wish I wasn't. I wish I had half your charisma and self-confidence.
7. You made quite an impression on me the first time I met you, and I hope the person I saw never changes. You are amazing just the way you are.
8. You sell yourself way too short way too often darling. The person I see is beautiful and I'm so glad I know you.
9. Some days I have to wonder if you were playing both sides of our mutual problem.
10. I heard how often you fought for me before you even met me. You have no idea what that means to me. And you may never know, since we've drifted apart.

Assignment One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

1. PB: You were my first love and my first lesson that in who I couldn't save. I'm afraid to research you to see if you're still alive. I only remember your hair now.

2. PK: Somehow I lived in the same small town as you for two and a half years and never knew it, despite that you were my first literary icon, and you expanded my universe when I least expected it. I wish I'd written you a fan letter.

3. TB- You've cast far too long a shadow on far too many lives.

4. G.I.M.T.N.N.A.F.H.W.D.I.T.B.P: I wanted to ask you dance, when you were leaving. I wanted to ask you to have a fling with me, that we'd be just horrible for each other, but the perfect rebound and something to remember with a sigh. And I didn't, because it would have been really silly.

5. AL: I'm sorry I was a poor roommate and a worse role model. I'm sorry I left you at the most inopportune moment, and I'm grateful you've forgiven me. And I wish I'd said "yes."

6. WH: "That's one of the tragedies of this life: that the men who are most in need of a beating up are always enormous."

7. RW; you gave me a final grade and said "You need the theater, and the theater needs you." I'm always going to wonder what would have happened if I'd taken that route. And why I didn't.

8. AB: It was cowardly of me not to go to your funeral.

9. DFW: I can't forgive you because you could reason your way to hope in this world in a away that no one else could, and yet you let it grind you down to despair.

10. CM: You're fooling no one with that fake English accent.

10 things I want to say to 10 different people right now

To keep up with my writings on here, I have a few different topics I'll be writing upon, with a different one being used each week. This week's topic is "10 things I want to say to 10 different people right now". Who these things apply to will not be mentioned here as that bit isn't as important as what I wish to tell these people. I may come back and revisit this topic from time to time as what I want to tell people changes over time and with my moods. With that being said, I won't waste any more time, but will go ahead and get into the nitty gritty of this entry.

1. I love you.

2. Let people in. Give them a chance. If you don't get to know someone, how will you know they're worth your time? You can't just shut the door to everyone to keep yourself safe because then you might as well not be living at all.

3. Fuck me.

4. I want more quality time with you. And by quality time, I mean that I want adult time. I want that time with you where you trance my pants off (literally) and your voice sends shivers down my spine and where you put your hand in my hair and pull just right.

5. Things will get better.

6. Thank you for taking care of me.

7. Give me a chance.

8. I love you.

9. I love you.

10. I love you.

I know it seems redundant to say "I love you" so many times, but I really do want to say that to different people. So there you have it.

How I Have Served

Sorry for the lack of a post from me last week; they're offering unlimited overtime at work, and doing my job is part of my service to the Goddess. By working, I support the household. Supporting the household isn't just caring for Her, it's self-care as well, and in case you haven't twigged to one of the major themes of this blog, it's that caring for yourself is service to the Goddess.

So last week was all about the job. I got some good stories out of it (being unspeakably busy in a technical support capacity usually results in decent stories, because you're dealing with people who...well, let me put it this way. I have had to do at least one walk through for "cut and paste the text into your file.") I got decent money, which will go towards nice things at home. And OT opportunities continue, although last week was probably a unique case as far as superhuman amounts of labor goes.

And I am happy with it all, because I know that She is proud of me. That's one of the special things about being a brainwashed submissive. Doing the right thing feels even better when you're doing it for Her.

Chaos

Sorry for the late post, but i was rather preoccupied with work, and attempting to get paid for work, when the deadline hit.

i got to spend some time with M'Lady during Her visit, though sadly not as much as either of us wanted to. At least i got to cuddle with Her. :)

Aside from that, my job is going fairly well, though so far it has been exceedingly chaotic. How much? i made a poster using my calligraphy set and incorporated a quote from the Wheel of Time: "Let the Lord of Chaos reign". No one has bothered to take it down.

Aside from the training and such, there's also the issue of the people i'm working there through. They are massively disorganized and very much not competent. It took the HR person for the company i'm working for making not-very-veiled-threats at them to get them to pay me on time.

Partially as a result of all this, i ended up not being able to make it to DragonCon this year. i *WILL* be going next year, though.

The good news is that i've gotten paid, and starting next paycheck, i'll finally be able to start the process of getting my finances to the point where i want them to be in order to move up to be with M'Lady.