My one confession

This is leading up to my confession. One of my numerous fetishes is pantyhose. The feel of the material on my skin, and the look of it on a woman's legs. I love the feeling so much....(here it comes, and it is tough for me to type)...

I own two pairs of hose that I will wear for erotic purposes.

One pair is a color called "Girl scout green". I dream of someone (for some reason it's MiLady's voice I hear) calling me some dirty names while I wear them for this mystery figure in private.

The other pair is grey. It is part of my robot skin. I have not opened this pair as I wish MiLady to put me in my robot mode and have me put them on to become more of a robot.

There. Now the harder part...Pushing the "Publish Post" button.

My second image

Ocean Isle Beach, NC and the dock.

I dream about it a lot. Right here is where I lay to watch meteors in my mind.

Two images

The first image

Tazmanian Devil (aka: TAZ, Baggy eyes)

He is in the middle of his tornado. At the office, sometimes, it feels like I am in the middle of same. And sometimes, my speech (away from certain situations) sounds like Taz's gibberish.

The Second Image will be in my next post....for some reason it won't let me do it.

Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

This is a wind turbine in Ardrossan, Scotland. It caught fire during a 260 km/h (160 mph) windstorm. Nobody's quite sure why, yet; video shows that the blades aren't spinning very fast when the fire breaks out, the head is pivoting but you wouldn't imagine that to make enough friction to burn anything.

I took my life in a direction that seemed like a good idea at the time, but in extreme conditions it hasn't worked out.

When things are out of control, it *is* possible to recover if the right actions are taken in a timely fashion.

One Confession

Technically, two confessions. The first confession is that I wouldn't have the faintest idea what sort of images sum up my life if you painted them on my eyeglasses.

The second, more relevant confession: I'm not actually very good at being a grown-up. I can muddle through, more or less; I can hold a steady job, and for eight hours or so a day I can do very good at it. But things that seem to come easily to other adults, living an organized and sensible life and being...y'know, grown up...to me, it feels like spinning plates. While I'm over in one area keeping the plate that says "eating healthy" spinning, the one that says "remembering to pay all the bills" starts wobbling. When I dash back over and give that one another spin, the "house-cleaning" one is about ready to fall onto the floor. The whole thing does not feel intuitive to me, it exhausts me, and I frequently need to retreat into goofiness and silly things just to keep from frying my immature brain.

So if you're someone who I'm in a family with...I am sorry. I try, as best I can, but I know I'm not good at this. I hope I don't ever hit you with any of those plates.

Days Nine and Ten

I apologize for being really late with the last two of my posts from the list. I was dealing with an emotional breakdown, and am now trying to manage the aftereffects of it on myself and those around me. Thankfully, my Lady is much more patient with me than I deserve at times. So, in order to get myself back up to speed, here are the last two of the weekly posts.

Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

This one represents adolescence. It reaches me on a number of levels. My own puberty was a little off, due to lots of bad experiences with classmates and family, as well as not having anyone to personally teach me about those weird and "wonderful" changes my body was going through. (Let's just say that, for a few different reasons, I fell through the cracks.) And these days, I'm going through another puberty, with both my hormones and emotions running kind of wild. I have a sneaking suspicion that this one will go better. I'm trying to learn to reign in my emotions the right way will still having them. Obviously, this is not an easy process, but I'm working on it.

This one represents family. As previously noted, the one I grew up with was, while "traditional," not exactly ideal. On many levels, I have accepted and forgiven that, even though they did their best, they were not what I needed. Meeting Lady Ru'etha and Her circle has certainly begun leading me to redefine my definition of family and what it means to me.

Day Ten: One confession

We, as people, tend to be defined by our pasts. If we're not careful we can be shackled by it, which hampers our ability to enjoy the present and look forward to the future. My past is not a happy one, and one of the particular issues that troubles me is trust. The majority of people around me were either antagonizing me or ignoring me, and my home never felt like a safe haven. This left a mark on me mentally and emotionally, as I'm sure you could guess. I'd see families that looked more stable and loving, but it was always with a feeling that that was for others, not for me. Then, in 2007, I met Lady Ru'etha and Her family. I watched how this group of people who, in some cases, lived far enough away to require a plane ride or an inordinate amount of time in a car. I listened to how they were there to support each other no matter what. I got to know them and to see the love they had for each other. They even reached out to me in my darkest times, and it left me in awe of them. But again, my shadow, my demons piped up and would keep reminding me that it wasn't mine. I could be an emotional voyeur, but I would always be on the outside. Then, in 2009, I found myself lost, adrift and hurting, and Lady Ru'etha extended Her hand to me. She called me to Her and I came running. And, suddenly, I found myself in the middle of that loving, supportive family. And, while I feel the peace of their bond, there is this little niggling voice that keeps reminding me of old lessons. That it isn't for me. That I'm screwing it up. That I will be abandoned again. I have no reason to doubt her, yet the doubt will not go away. I want to trust, but I don't know how.

What I do know, however, is that my Lady and my family haven't given up on me. I will get through this, and I will be stronger because of them.

Three Turn-ons

1-Hypnosis (Shocker!) I love the fact that someone else can take control with a velvety voice. I love the helplessness i feel when MiLady takes over. No matter if i am myself or if she turns my switch to Robot mode, it feels truly like bliss.

2-A pretty pair of legs in opaque hose (colors a plus). As a kid from the 80's, I grew up thinking girls wearing hose that were opaque (black, white, colors) were beautiful, so I guess this has been engraned in me for a long time. As an adjunct, I love the feel of pantyhose fabric against me.

3-Eyes. Always love looking into someone's eyes.

Four Turn-offs

1-SMOKING! It's gross, disgusting, and causes cancer. WHY?

2-Drug use. Either using doctor's drugs for the wrong reasons or illegal drugs for any reason

3-Bigotry/bullying. Saw enough of that in my life.

4-Snobbery (unless it's in a role play)

Three turn-ons

1. Hypnosis. I know! What a shock that hypnosis should form a core, even primary, part of my sexuality! But there it is. Trance is sexy, you know it, I know it.
   
2. Geekitude. This ostensibly SFW video clip, for example, is pure rocket geek porn. Ru'etha can attest that I made happy noises the first time I saw it. Ooh baby, let's see that again. No, no; slow it down.
3. Service, or at least the idea of it. I am forced to admit that, sometimes, actually doing the work can be difficult, especially when I'm here on my own. But in concept, at least, would it be so bad to be Ru'etha's obedient live-in servant, cooking and cleaning and rubbing feet? No. No it would not. :)
   

Four turn-offs

I'm going to cheat a bit and copy off my classmates.

1. From Lyinar: "Stupidity. i don't mean simple ignorance here (i.e., someone just not knowing something). i mean willfully refusing to learn. i mean not wanting to learn."
   A long time ago in a cubicle farm far away, a coworker on a long phone call put her caller on hold and started screaming for help with her computer. I was between calls so I went over. The screen was blank except for a WindowsNT logo that, from time to time, jumped around the screen. I poked the mouse, and her desktop returned. Yeah. Screen saver. She hadn't thought to try anything; something was unusual and therefore it was crisis time.
   
   When it comes to play, I'm okay with temporary suppression of thought; automatic mindless obedience can be sexy. But the idea is to switch off, not dumb down. Bimbo, himbo, jock, anything relating to a reduction in intelligence... yuck.
   
   
2. From Jukebox: "Scat play, watersports, and similar. Visceral, automatic ick."
   All of the above, and add in pretty much anything gooey, sticky or slimy. I'm more open to whipped cream than I was five years ago, but Jell-O is a hard limit. No, really, keep that shit away from me. You can have all mine, just don't eat it in front of me.
   
   
3. From Lyinar again: "Smoking. Not as big as the others, or as absolute, but someone who smokes would have to have a LOT of other redeeming qualities to make up for it in my eyes."
   I'm not sure if it's possible for any set of redeeming qualities to outweigh smoking for me. In the past when I've browsed other hypnodommes' catalogues, if they even offer a smoking fetish recording, even if it's just one of many things they do, I move on.
   
   ...And then there's the exception. There was (past tense!) a short time when Ichihara Yūko smoking her kiseru pipe damn near made me want to take it up myself, and I looked into what non-tobacco things I could smoke instead... and I've been told that with my lungs, SMOKE WILL KILL ME. Quicker than it will kill most people, I mean.
   
   Actually, let's just expand this one out to substance abuse in general. After seeing some very desperate people in the park, I think I'm pretty much cured of ever finding addictive drugs sexy. Mind control drug? I'm fine with that. Addicted to Her Voice? Hey, right on. Submission through getting hooked on smack? Hell no.
   
   
4. Race related criteria. Whether it's "I am only interested in X" or "I can't stand X," if you select your partners by race, select someone else.
   

Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

1. Goddess. I love You, You make me happy, You make me want to be the best me that I'm capable of, and I'll spend as much of my life with You as You want me for.
   
2. My munchkin. Because she is the coolest experiment ever. (Every child is an experiment: we hypothesize that our technique for raising a kid will be better than ones before, then spend 20-odd years trying to test that.)
   
3. My co-husband Jukebox. I know that Goddess and the munchkin are in good hands while I can't be with them, and I know I'll be welcome when I can.
   
4. My guys. The "formative hell" of junior high I talked about in the last post ended with meeting the writer and the artist, and a VHS copy of Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie that we played over and over until it snapped.
5. My parents. I'm lucky to be able to say that my parents, while not perfect, are decent loving people with brains in their heads, who raised and continue to support two pretty good sons.
   

Six Things I Wish I'd Never Done

"And bad mistakes; I've made a few..."

1. I wish I hadn't stuck with French Immersion when the program closed at my school. Chosing to stay in the program and switch to another school across town resulted in five years of hell. Formative hell that went a long way to making me the man I am today, yes, but hell nonetheless.
2. Regarding my first crack at university, I'll just quote Lyinar, because I made precisely the same mistake: "Thinking college would be just like High School, and not studying hard to stay there." I think he did better than I did, though; I was On Academic Probation after my first semester, and Required To Withdraw after the second.
3. I wish that I hadn't fallen in love with my childhood friend after she became my best friend's girlfriend. Because I had the integrity not to act on it. Damnit. :)
4. I wish I hadn't tried to be macho and lift the bucket of wine out of the laundry room sink in an attempt to impress the above mentioned childhood friend. My upper back still acts up a decade later!
5. I wish I hadn't accepted the transfer to NorthMOFN. I wish I'd played the medical card and waited to see what else I'd get offered. I was happier with who I was before coming here, and I think I'll be happier with who I become when I leave.
   
6. I wish I hadn't quit iaido and yoga when I did. The way my life has gone since I would eventually have had to anyway, but I wish I'd done it until I couldn't anymore, not stopped when I got lazy.
   

"I've had my share of sand kicked in my face... But I've come through!"

Where I've Been, Where I'm Going

Okay, I think I'm ready to write about this.

I had an incident at work. Nobody got hurt, nothing got scratched, but things went wrong. After some analysis from without and within, and some time off I came back to work... for all of two days.

And in those two days, I decided that it wasn't healthy for me, and not safe for others, for me to keep doing this job.

I went to the doctor for a physical; I was thinking heart condition, asthma, maybe diabetes. We never got as far as a physical exam, though. After he heard me describe how I felt, he gave me a depression questionnaire. And I scored high. Way high. Moderate to moderately-severe.

Didn't see that coming. I mean, I'd had a rough couple of months, but... No, I'd had a rough couple of years. And it fits. Like Yoda said: depression leads to anxiety, anxiety leads to stress, stress leads to narrowing down on one task to the exclusion of others in moments when multitasking is most important, failing at multitasking leads to suffering. I think he said something about hitting the Ventolin inhaler more often too.

Sick leave approved, indefinite. Prescription for an antidepressant. And two weeks of hanging around at home, useless.

Well not anymore. I'm getting back on track now.

First and most important, the company has another job for me in another place, where I can use what I know, but only have to deal with one thing at a time rather than multitasking and task prioritizing. So I can have a steady job with benefits in a role where I feel useful. I discussed this at length with Goddess, and we both knew that while we really wanted for me to immigrate to be with Her, throwing me into an uncertain foreign job market when I have no transferable experience or training would wreck me in short order. So I'll do this new job for 3 to 5 years, during which time I'll get myself sorted out, set some money aside, and maybe take some distance ed courses that would make me useful in Minnesota.

I've written up morning and evening routines that involve things like exercise, the tea ritual I developed with Goddess, light/sound/MP3 hypnosis before bed, and making sure the dishes get done. I've laid out a to-do list three days ahead -- which in its first day proved a little overambitious, but I'll adjust that. I've been walking 2 to 5 kilometers almost daily, despite the well below freezing temperatures. The antidepressant makes me feel physically weak, and not in a good way, but I feel good about the changes I'm making, and overall I'm better this week than I was last week. Heck, next week I'm even going to participate in a ham radio contest.

Anyhow. I plan to make my submission to Goddess a central part of my recovery. My to-do list is largely stocked with the assignment list She wrote up for each of us in August, and that I haven't done a particularly good job of sticking to since. You're going to see the results of some of that re-dedication to Her service both here and on my other assigned blog, where I write about watching old episodes of Top Gear. My plan is to post daily, alternating between the two, until I'm either caught up on the "ten things" project or my company makes plans to move me. Some of the results you won't see. I'm not working, so there's no reason for me not to get my housework in order, which I know She approves of. Doing that will help streamline packing for the move when the time comes, too, a little bit of proactive stress reduction.

I want to be clear here, I'm not asking Her to fix me. But She's a reason for me to fix myself.

One Confession

i have to confess that, at times, i despair of ever getting everything together to move to be close to M'Lady again. i know it's not rational, but it seems like every time i've gotten to the verge of finally being able to get everything to start falling into place, some obstacle hurls itself at me and prevents me from doing so. i'm on a reasonably strong path toward being able to move, now, but part of me keeps waiting for the Universe to undo the progress i've made.

Three Turn-Ons

This would be known as "the fun one", of course. Of the ten things we're telling everyone about ourselves, the thing we most want everyone else to know is what they can do to make us hot and happy. And here are my big three...keeping in mind, of course, that you already need to be someone I know well enough and feel safe enough around to do them. :)

1. Hypnosis. I adore being hypnotized. It is a wonderful and erotic sensation in and of itself, as well as being a gateway to so many delicious experiences. Being hypnotized is always a turn-on for me, always. (That's not to say I can't benefit from hypnosis for therapeutic purposes, but it's always very easy for someone to steer the trance in an erotic direction.)

2. Touch. It's taken me a long time to realize this, because I always thought I didn't like being touched. What I've found, over the decade or so of being with my Goddess, is that I actually like being touched so much that I don't feel comfortable letting just anyone do it. It is a deeply sensual experience in the literal and figurative sense, and I find it to be an important part of erotic play.

3. Whatever turns you on. This was another one that took me a long time to realize, and Goddess and I had lots of discussions as to why things that I did and loved with other girlfriends I never asked Her to do...and astonishingly, didn't miss. We finally called it my "enablement kink"; I get intensely turned on by realizing how turned on my partner is. What they are into, I get into, even though I don't necessarily hold any interest in it any other time. Weird, but very very fun. :)

Five People Who Mean A Lot In No Particular Order

1-MiLady Ru'Etha-Not only is she an incredible Domme, but she cares about you. Plus she is an EXCELLENT conversationalist. I always love hearing about her, and You should talk movies with her sometime. :-) MiLady, if You are reading this, I remember a conversation about "Plan 9 from Outer Space" that was pretty cool.

2-My parents. They guided me in how I should grow up. I guess I get a lot of my morals from them.

3-Robert. He was a big brother figure to me in College. I was his best man at his wedding.

4-My Brothers.

5-My nieces and nephew.

One Confession

Sometimes I wish I could just drop everything. Leave everything and everyone behind. I sometimes wish I could just take any money I have on hand, a few changes of clothes and leave. Start over. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to just start over from fresh with no one who knows me.

Then I think about the aftermath it would cause and I can't do it. I can't cause pain to that many people, some of whom mean the world to me. And I would always wonder what happened to everyone. In the end, I think I would be worse off for it. No matter how complicated my life is, everyone in it contributes to my happiness in one way or another. There are times when the complexity that is my life becomes overwhelming and I wish things were simple. But they aren't. And they never will be. *smiles softly*

Six things I wish i had never done

Gosh this one is the toughie. i was brought up in a good home. ok, here goes.

6-I wish I never got in fights in Jr. High. But I was standing up for myself at the time. Y'see I was picked on A LOT. So I had to constantly defend myself verbally and physically.

which leads to...

5-I wish I never said some of the things I said. I had used language back then that would curl my ears today, especially some bad words in the LGBT community that I have a clearer understanding of now. They threw them as an insult, and I threw them right back. It actually nearly got me in trouble, as I was in the principal's office (victim again) with my parents in tow, after I had used a certain word to get a bully off my back. (Too close and rubbing his privies against me in basketball) The bully was supposed to have his parents with him but he didn't. he said "Mr> and Mrs. , Do you know what your son called me?", and the gym teacher said, with principal present, "Yah, what did you do to get him to say it?" it went down hill for him from there.

Another thing that 6 lead to...

4-I wish I never hit a guy with a prop cane. I was defending my Girlfriend's Honor. Someone said that she and I were getting some tail. Needless to say, I was furious. I clobbered him, and was seen by the assistant principal. I apolgized to him in the office, he apologized to me, and the Principal said, "You did the wrong thing for the right reason." I had to serve an extra day of school in my Senior Year (went in on a day of Thanksgiving Break) as a result.

3-I wish I never let my emotions get the better of me when I was younger. I think I turned into the Incredible Hulk with anger as the bullying mounted and got more and more. I'm glad I had some creative outlets when I was younger, otherwise I might have blown up a school. I think it also alienated a lot of friends.

2-I wish I never ate a whole jalapeno pepper. It was stuffed with cream cheese, but I was sweating the rest of the day from it.

1-I wish I never just stayed in my dorm room at college. i could've learned a lot more from going out in the world instead of being a recluse.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot

7-Would I survive as a challenger on Iron Chef America?

6-What's for dinner?

5-Nero Wolfe (The A&E TV Series)

4-Card Tricks (sleight of hand)

3-My friends and family

2-The beach

1-MiLady Ruetha

Two Images

It took me a while to find images to describe my life, and i apologize for this being a little late.

This picture pretty well describes everything except to do with my job except the actual taking calls. We regularly have to deal with such levels of madness that even King Leonidas would grudgingly admit that it was not, in fact, Sparta. The poster i made shortly after we started, with "Welcome to the *REDACTED* Service Desk, Let the Lord of Chaos Reign!" is still up, and none have questioned its presence.

This fits the rest of my life pretty well... A long and winding path through the wilds. i have a goal, and i know i can reach it eventually, but the way between here and there isn't exactly clear, and there have been and likely will be a rather large number of obstacles in my way. The fact that it's from one of the many, many games that i really want that have been and will be coming out in far too short a span for me to fully enjoy one before the next arrives says something, too, beyond just "Rar, i am a gamer!" Sometimes i think the release schedule for all the games i want between now and at least next March, especially the way i just described it, seems a bit metaphorical for life in general.

eight ways to win my heart

8-Good cooking or a good taste in food. I don't want to eat at a gourmet restaurant every night, but I love good cookin.

7-Geekiness. My inner geek loves to show himself every now and then.

6-Willingness to be held or to hold me. I am very much a contact-aware person, and like being hugged, cuddled and caressed.

5-Falling asleep while being held. I do like the idea of being a "Teddy Bear" for someone. Especially MiLady.

4-Must be a little silly or childlike, but not too much. I have very much a child's sensibilities still. I guess I don't want that "Second Childishness" that Shakespeare talked about so I haven't really ended my first.

3-Must have an active imagination.

2-Must have a small hint of a dark side and/or a love of Halloween

1-An interest in hypnosis.

2 Images That Describe My Life Right Now

My life is in flux. Of course I suppose finding out you have a brain tumor would cause that.While I'm not upset about it, nor am I scared, it still creates a challenge. It creates an obstacle I must overcome to be able to move forward. I don't know where this adventure will lead, but I do know it will be interesting.

I've realized within the last couple of weeks just how little I tolerate fools. And by fools, I mean those that would seek to hurt those I care about or try to manipulate me in a way that is not healthy. I will quickly shut down any attempt at this. I have little patience for those that do not have my or my companions' interests at heart. This is a significant change from the way I used to be. I'm not sure when it changed. I only know that it has. I'm not sure I like feeling so hard about/towards people but it's also become necessary. I do not have the time nor do I have the energy necessary to keep up the those people.

I realize neither of these pictures is particularly happy. My classes end December 12. Hopefully by then I'll have something more definite on my "condition" and I won't have the pressure of classes standing over me. That combined with good company will surely brighten my spirits quickly.

7 Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot

1. Fragments of dialogue, generally disconnected from any plot.
2. Memories, particularly memories of past shame or embarrassment. I have a freaky strong memory for those things, and the part of my mind that hates me likes to pull up a slide show when it thinks I'm too cheerful.
3. Little post-coital gestures or talk. Sex is in the moment and flow and memories don't form as easily then.
4. Mindfulness exercises. That helps a lot with 2.
5. Todo lists and organizational strategies. I've written two project management apps, and I'm always engaged with that.
6. What other people are wearing on the Subway. Particularly those on the way to a time traveller convention.
7.  Whatever I'm reading at the moment.

Nine things about myself

9-I use my voice to make a living.

8-I have known MiLady Ruetha for over...oh gosh...at least more than seven years.

7-I love being tranced

6-I still watch Cartoons (Looney Tunes, Tintin, Walt Disney Cartoons)

5-I like DC Comics

4-My favorite sports teams are based in Pittsburgh. (Sorry, MiLady)

3-I have had an interest in hypnosis since I was very young.

2-I love old time radio shows better than most TV these days.

1-I am a robot. I have always been a robot, and will always be a robot.

Three Turn Ons

1. Intelligence and/or Geekiness. (Preferably a hefty combination of both) I want to be able to have  intelligent discussions with someone, and to be able to segue into goofy things we both enjoy. Geekiness isn't just comics, gaming, sci-fi/fantasy.. you can be an automobile geek, a plane geek, a math geek, hell, even a sports geek! Just have intelligence and the passion to back it up and show it off. (My loved ones geek out about all kinds of stuff that I'm not interested in, myself. I couldn't be more proud of them when they do!)

2. Physicality. Not necessarily sex, but touching. Back rubs/scratches, stroking my hair, holding my hand(s), hugs. Little things. I love giving them, but reciprocation is so very important to me. I communicate by touch (as I may have mentioned before), and, in my head, letting me give to you isn't the same as giving back to me. Even most kinky stuff falls into this category. (Except for hypnosis, and even then it can affect the physical body. yum!)

3. Feet. I've actually changed one or two people's opinions on getting their feet touched. I love the taste, smell and feel of clean feet, and hearing someone's sounds of pleasure when I'm kissing and nibbling their feet drives me wild.

3 Turn ons

Anyone that knows me well will realize this is only a minute sampling of the things that turn me on. It's a good starting point though. ;)

1. Bondage. Hand cuffs and chains or rope, oh my! I don't have much experience with rope yet, but if it's anything like being bound by leather wrist/ankle cuffs and chains/metal clasps, then it will have the same effect on me. That is to say it's a HUGE turn on for me. Especially when combined with a blindfold. ;)

2. Intelligence- Seduce my mind and my body will surely follow. Keeping my attention is a GOOD thing.

3. Touch me. Let me know I turn you on. Combine those two things and it's a heady mixture that will keep my blood humming for days.

10 things i want to say to 10 different people (assignment catchup)

10-want to play?

9-Wish you lived here instead of (over there).

8-I'm sorry. I should've gotten you that key. I thought someone else took care of it.

7-I want paid for my work. I did all the hard stuff Friday night and got nothin.

6-i wish i was somewhere else for my job.

5-Sometimes, your posts scare me.

4-i am a robot.

3-here we go steelers

2-Can't wait to dance with you again.

1- i love You, i must obey You. obedience is pleasure, pleasure is obedience

8 Ways to Win My Heart (Belatedly back on the assignment)

1. I'm a pretty lousy poker player, so there's that. 
2. Disagree with me strongly. I'm not talking about violent disagreement, but if you call me on something you think is wrong and back yourself up, I'll definitely be intrigued.
3. Show broad interests. I feel like the modern world allows to amuse ourselves constantly within one genre or subject, and it's appealing if you fight that. 
4. Laugh at something I say. (I'm easy that way.)
5. Recommend a book, album, or movie to me. 
6. Blush just the right way. 
7. Be game for something offbeat or weird. I live in New York because you can encounter that weirdness so often because there are so many creative people here trying so many different things
8. Guess something about me before I say it.

Three Turn-Ons

For my list of three turn-ons, it's going to be fairly simple.

1- Sensuality. i really, REALLY like it when people are sensual with me. Caresses, hugs, kisses, snuggling... i have to say that i'm actually more likely to get aroused from being cuddled and caressed by someone i love than from watching pornography.

2- Hypnosis. Kind of a given, and it ties into the previous for me, actually. It is very rare for me to not get aroused from being hypnotized.

3- BDSM. i love sensation play, and what i've experienced of bondage has been fun. And, as an added bonus, most aftercare involves the first entry on my list.

Four Turn-offs

Here are the four biggest turn-offs i have. This isn't a list of squick or relationship-breakers as much as others have posted, but general "i won't get involved with you" kinds of turn-offs, for the most part.

1- Stupidity. i don't mean simple ignorance here (i.e., someone just not knowing something). i mean willfully refusing to learn. i mean not wanting to learn. i love learning new things, and i can't really see someone who doesn't as someone even worthy of respect, let alone a relationship.

2- Drama. As i've stated before on this very blog, i utterly loathe drama and internal group politics. i realize that they're bound to happen even among people who also despise such things, but those who court such things and actively cause them (and yes, there are such people out there) are major turn-offs for me.

3- Religious Fundamentalism. One of the things that i've learned the hard way is that faith is inherently subjective. If you claim to know the one "true" path that my soul should take in this life or beyond it, then you're not worth my time. If the absolute hottest person on the planet bothered to try to seduce me, just one mention of how i'm going to suffer for eternity because i don't worship their god would be more than enough for me to walk away.

4- Smoking. Not as big as the others, or as absolute, but someone who smokes would have to have a LOT of other redeeming qualities to make up for it in my eyes.

Four Turn Offs

When I first started this post, I thought of this subject just in general terms. In some ways it is more than general. If you turn me off outside of the bedroom, you stand no chance of even having the door unlocked.

1. Being pushy. This is not quite as simple as it sounds. My time is precious. I spare as much as I can for those I care about but my time is very limited, between work, school and family matters. I don't often get a chance to just go run and be free these days and I don't expect that to change in the immediate future as I've got a few more years of school left ahead of me. I will give what I have but I also have to make sure to give time to my priorities. Sometimes that means spending less time with others than I'd wish. Pushing for time I don't feel I have is a good way to cause me to go away. Also, pushing me to make a decision and trying to get me to make it in whatever general direction you want me to go may backfire too. Give me the options, let me weigh them and don't get pissy when the best path I feel I should take doesn't lead in the direction you want for me. Trust that I will take all the advise and put in on that balance to make sure it weights out correctly. While I want to know that I am important to you, there is a line where, once crossed, it's not a good thing.

2. Not paying attention during play time. This is a big big big thing for me. If I'm noisy, that's a good bet I'm pretty happy with whatever it is you're doing. When I stop making noise, find out why. Is it too much and I'm just too in the zone to say something? It does happen that sometimes I may not realize it's getting to be too much but I stop making noise so that I can take whatever's going on. You shouldn't have to force ME to make noise. LOL. If I have to call yellow, that's not a good sign. Play time is a bit of a symbiotic thing for me. It's a give and take. If you don't take anything from me and all you're doing is giving, you may not notice the fluctuations and nuances of the dance. Even if I am making noise though, check in on me from time to time. Make sure everything is really green and then, presuming it is, KEEP GOING. *giggles*

3. No Aftercare. No matter what kind of play time I have, I need aftercare. If it's in person, wrap me up in a soft blanket, snuggle me, give me a glass of water. Sometimes just that time being around you will be enough. Depending on the length of play time, maybe even a bite of something to eat. If it's through the limitations of distance, sit with me for a bit afterwards until I'm back to myself again. That extra bit of time is huge in terms of how I feel the day and even the week afterwards.

4. Not paying attention to safety. Some of the things I enjoy, such as knife play, is not exactly safe. But there are precautions that can and should be taken. Even simple play (complex as it may be), like rope play, has serious things that can happen when precautions aren't paid attention to. If I see that you are playing with someone and you aren't doing what it takes to make the play as safe as possible while still having fun with it, don't expect to play with me. If I can tell I'm not going to feel safe playing with you, it's just not going to happen.

Four Turn Offs

1. Being malicious. There's a lot of area that is covered by the phrase "dark play," including humiliation and objectification. Some people see the two as synonymous, but, to me, there's a difference. I want to try out certain areas of dark play, but if you don't provide aftercare, or you don't frequently remind me that you do care, then all you're doing is beating me emotionally. I've both been there and done that.

2. Isolation. I've heard about tops using this as punishment. I've read about going off into solitude for personal and spiritual growth. F*** that. Sorry for the vulgarity, but that's how vehemently I feel about it. One of my biggest problems is that I can't stop feeling alone, even when surrounded by those who love me.

3. Enforced chastity. No thank you. I'm a hedonist, and enjoy my carnal pleasures way too much. One might even go so far as to call me a slut, but only if they really love me. ~_^

4. Doing things outdoors. Ugh, bugs, dirt, and a million other things. I'd likely be too distracted to be able to really enjoy myself, worried about getting bitten and/or catching something.

Four Turn-Offs

Don't get me wrong, I do try to think of myself as GGG, but yes, I'll admit to squicks just like the rest of us. Nobody is into everybody's kink. Here are a few of the ones I'm not into.

1. Play that feels like it could be self-destructive. Breath control, knife play, gun play...pretty much anything that feels like either there is the real potential for self-harm (like breath play, which cannot be made safe...which is, I'm aware, a controversial statement in the kink community, but it is nonetheless true...) Or kink that feels like some of the erotic charge comes from pretending it's not safe when it is (like knife play, which is perfectly safe when done with care, but which does rely a lot on the feeling of powerlessness you get when someone is holding a knife to your body and you can't stop them.) I think it's because when I first found myself drifting towards kinky sex, I wondered exactly where it would stop...and self-harm was kind of my hard limit. And ever since, I've evaluated things in terms of that.

2. Scat play, watersports, and similar. Visceral, automatic ick. We can move on now.

3. Humiliation/degradation play. I play with people I love, and I play with people that love me. I do not have the world's greatest self-esteem even after a decade of unconditional love from a wonderful woman, and I got plenty of humiliation and degradation in junior high and I never got turned on by it even once, thankyouverymuch. I have no interest in it, either giving or receiving, and I generally don't even do public play unless it's in a very very safe space because it skirts that.

4. I suppose this last one would be a catchall for incest, pedophilia, rape, and similar "I know there are people into it and I do not judge anyone based on their sexual fantasies because they are exactly that, just fantasies, but I can't even get into them as fantasies and nobody should be into them in real life" type scenarios. (You can feel free to add your own ideas for what would fit into this category. If you suspect it would land here, you're probably right.)

Five People Who Mean A Lot

Here is my list of five people/groups who mean a lot to me, in no real order, and occasionally grouped.

1- M'Lady and Her other Chosen. All of you mean so much to me. i really, really wish i could spend more time with all of you. i wish one day we could all be a lot closer to each other in RL.

2- Retheldirood. You're my roommate, and at this point, you're more of a sibling than anything else.

3- my parents. As much as we've sometimes fought, and as far away as i am now, i do still love you both.

4- Setzer. You're still my best friend, and i'm looking forward to fighting alongside you in Diablo III and SW:TOR, and some day playing Warhammer with you again.

5- The PolyCoffee group. Even though i've not been in a couple of weeks for varied reasons, it's good to actually be able to hang out with friends.

Five People Who Mean A Lot (In No Particular Order)

It feels a little unfair, trying to figure out which five to include. I think I might have to cheat, put them into groups just to get in everyone I want to put on the list. And also, because this is a kink blog, to keep things vague enough that I don't detail anyone so carefully that they recognize themselves or someone else recognizes them. :)

5. My family. I have a big, wonderful extended family I almost never feel like I see enough. A wonderful mom and dad, great brothers and sisters, amazing grandparents that still impress me even in their 90s, astonishing nieces and nephews, cousins that make every family reunion a delight...I love the family I have made, and I wouldn't give them up for anything, but I am blessed to have a biological family that I love to be with, as well. And because I know this, I want to make sure that the people who I have invited into my family know that joy of unconditional love as well.

4. My friends. I have been blessed to make a lot of good friends over the years, people that I share memories both silly and important with, people who remain very important to me even though I see them less and less as family takes up more and more of my time. It never takes more than a moment for us to reconnect, and then it's as though all the years fall away and we're laughing all over again. I hope I'm a friend like that to others, too.

3. Foxy. If you know who she is, you'll know why. :)

2. Squiikitoi. What we have is new, I don't think either of us necessarily know where it's leading, and I often feel like I don't show her enough how much I care. But she is wonderful, gloriously random and uninhibited, and also a smart and caring person who works herself hard for the things she wants. She is passionate about everything, and to know her, even for a moment, is to fall under her spell to some extent.

1. Lady Ru'etha. When I wrote 'Love Like Winter' with thrall, and I was searching for the words Carly would use to describe to Renata why she was willing to sacrifice herself to save Abby, I thought of how I felt about Lady Ru'etha. (For those of you who haven't read 'Love Like Winter', just go with me here.) And what I wrote was, "She's my everything." Lady Ru'etha is my everything. There's nothing else to say.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind Often

Worries:

1. The end of cheap and plentiful energy. "Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow... but soon, and for the rest of your life."
   
   • I work air traffic; there won't be any. What else can I learn to do with the time I have?
     
   • How will I keep a home warm? Will there still be asthma inhalers & stomach acid meds? What am I gonna EAT? Dear gods, what will I do when nobody's importing COFFEE?!
   • What do I need to consume less of now, to buy more time to adapt?
     
   • The idea of being isolated away from my family is scary (especially in some of the places I've lived!); how can I retain the ability to make one last trip to rejoin them if I need to?
     
   • I'm not one of these end-of-the-world survivalists, I don't want to stockpile and hoard to last a little while. I want to use this time to get ready to produce things I need, in a way I can sustain for a long time.
     
2. How can I balance my work and family life? Barring the above, work will provide me with health coverage and a survivable retirement, but it keeps me so far from my family. (There may be progress on this in the near future, and it's been on my mind a LOT in the last 48hr)
   
3. How will I make sure I stay healthy enough for any of the long-term worries to matter?
   
4. Where did I put my _____? I just saw it a minute/hour/day/week ago.
   

Joys:

5. I have an awesome wife who loves me, and I want to be worthy of that.
   
6. Watching my daughter develop is so damn cool.
   
7. Space? Space! SPAAAACE! Also science.
   

Five people who mean a lot to me (in no order whatsoever)

This one is a bit difficult for me as by only listing five people, I'm leaving so many others out and I don't like that. But in some ways, this post gives me a chance to give recognition to people in my life that I may not give enough recognition for the things they've done that have helped me or because they're special to me and may not realize it. Some of the people on this list probably won't be able to see this list. Maybe I can show them someday.

Sleepykitten- You're one of my girlfriends and that means you are super special in and of itself. I love you dearly and I only want to see you succeed and be happy. I love to hear about your "adventures" ;) and I love to hear about everything in your life because I'm not able to be a part of the day-to-day bits, even though I'd truly love to be. You are amazing and wonderful and simply just awesome. We may not get the chance to connect nearly enough, but always remember that I am thinking of you. The picture that pops up with my login screen on my computer is of a kitten and every time I see it, I think of you.

Lyinar- You are my WoW companion. You help keep me linked into something that while I'm happy I don't play it anymore, I sincerely miss it. You give me someone that I can rant with about everything to do with it and you understand what I mean when I say things like OMGWTFMAJORGNOMEBBQ. I loved the miniature you painted for me and I love seeing all the miniatures you've created before and since. I enjoy seeing the excitement in you when you talk about something you truly enjoy. Please know that I think about you even when you may not realize it and I can't wait to see you reunited with M'Lady for more than just a visit.

Hypnobunny- I met you at NEEHU earlier this year and have kept in frequent contact with you since then. I know that hypnobunny isn't your nickname but it's how you were introduced to me and so that's how I'll refer to you here because it's so very accurate, although I think our last discussion made you into a hypnobearbunny which is just so freaking cute it still makes my brain asplode every time I think about it. I owe you big time for the trip that is about to be made and I don't think there's any way possible I could repay you for it. I will do my best though. I look forward to seeing what the future holds in store for our relationship and I can't wait to see you again.

My 7th grade literature teacher- You taught me about poetry. You opened the door for a creative subject that I didn't know before then I would love so much. In doing this, you have helped me to express myself in ways that I would otherwise not have been able to utilize. I've kept in touch with you throughout the years and you have been my mentor in some ways, even though you may never realize it. You accepted me at a time when no others did. There is no way I can tell you just how much that means to me. You were a light in a time when I was surrounded by utter blackness and helped me to keep moving when I would have otherwise halted and curled up within myself. You helped me stand up for myself in ways that would not be shown for years to come. I hope I've made you proud over the years.

Mini-me- How could I not include you in this list? Out of everyone that could have been mentioned, you will never know just how much you mean to me. I love you with all my heart and I want you to have nothing but the best. You will have the mother I never had, even if I'm not the best, and you will know you are loved. You will have opportunities I did not and now matter how tough times may be, I will ALWAYS be there for you. I am so happy that you are in my life. Never did I imagine that I would be this happy with you here. There are times when I'm frustrated by something you do or you may do something that upsets me, but never ever ever will I regret having had you. I realize how lucky I am to have you and I thank the stars every day for you.

As I said above, there are so many others I could add to this list. Maybe I'll occasionally do this list again, with new people included so that eventually some day everyone can be on the list. That'll take a long time. LOL

Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Notes:
1. Since I took *WAY* too long to finish the last post, I will do this one now.
2. Obviously, I will be using nicknames when possible. ^_^
3. Cutting it down to a mere 5 people would leave out too many. So I will group them.
4. This is by no means a comprehensive list.


1. My kink family. Lady Ru'etha, Jukebox, CopperHeron, Twinklie and Lyinar. (I would feel like I was cheating if I didn't group them together, lol.) Extended family counts too, such as Sleepy_Head, Retheldirood, Katie LBT. I don't know Merryweather well enough yet, but my Lady trusts and loves him, and that's good enough for me.

2. The person who's been in my life the longest, Nana. (pronounced Nay-Nay). She in particular has kept me real and laughing at life, even when things were darkest. I don't talk to her nearly as often as I would like to, but the moment one of us calls the other, it's like no time has passed whatsoever and we pick up right where we left off.

3. My older sister. When she and I first met, it was an almost instant connection. Then I moved in with her for a while to recuperate after a particularly nasty time, and we became friends. She's overcome a lot and found happiness, and has one of the most beautiful families I know.

4. Jaya, Lilikka, Raven, and Jtgqos - each of them has touched my life in a particular way

5. Pensacola was a damn good time for me. I made a lot of friends there who hold a very special place in my heart. Stephie, Chaaaarrrrrrliiieeeeee, Anton, Rodney, Lindsey, etc.. Long list is long. These guys rallied around me during a *VERY* scary time for me and made it so amazing, I can never thank them enough.

Six things you wish you’d never done

1. I wish I hadn't let my parents have such strong influence. Toxic people are toxic, even if they are blood.

2. I wish I'd never met a particular ex. There were no good memories of our time together, and she hurt me the worst of all of them.

3. I wish I'd never gone to the local comic book shop on a particular day. My eagerness to get my fix led to one of the darkest moments in my life.

4. Of all the years I have been in school, there was only once where I truly regretted missing homework. Because of it, I was forced to miss out on a field trip to a local museum.

5. I wish I hadn't stopped my HRT when I was on it before.

6. I wish I hadn't quit my hotel job. It was the best job I've had yet.

6 Things i Wish i'd Never Done

This is something of a difficult topic for me now... A few years ago, i'd have had this filled out easily, but, the mistakes i made have shaped me as much as the things i've done perfectly, if not more. As Cary Elwes once said, "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

i won't really say i wish i'd never done these things, because i wouldn't be who i am now if i hadn't, but, there are things i've regretted:

1: Thinking college would be just like High School, and not studying hard to stay there.

2: Somewhat related to the first, not getting in shape back when i was in college.

3: Something of a less-serious one, but trying to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special without the help of Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett.

4: Also less-serious, losing my best cloak.

5: How the only real relationship i've had outside M'Lady's group ended.

6: Hurting M'Lady and Waya the way i did.

6 Things I wish I'd never done

This is a particularly difficult post for me to write. I don't see things as things I shouldn't have done. More often than not, I see them as lessons learned; things that have helped me grow. That doesn't mean there are lessons I didn't really want to have learned the way I learned them though.

1. I wish I'd never met someone and given him the time that I gave him. He didn't deserve my time and I didn't deserve the pain he gave me. I lost my ease to trust because of him (being what it was prior to my meeting him that is).

2. I wish I hadn't been stupid enough to remove my seat belt and not put my car in park before I reached out to had my neighbor money that time. That was a difficult lesson that I should not have had to learn. Sometimes I'm not as smart as I like to pretend.

3. I wish I had never gone to that party I was invited to by my co-workers that time. I should have followed my gut instinct.

4. I wish I had never went out to meet that  person that one time. Another time when my gut instinct proved to be right and I didn't listen.

5. I wish I had not slacked off in high school and actually done my work in those classes.

6. I wish I had not waited to turn in my letter to that apartment complex when I decided I would be moving out. It was another lesson on learning when not to trust others.

7 Things That Cross my Mind

1: Hypnosis. As with the previous blog post, it's kind of an obvious thing. i LOVE being hypnotized, and i can honestly say that i have very few fantasies that don't involve it in some way.

2: Warhammer, both 40k and Fantasy. For several years, the main flashes of inspiration i've gotten have been for new armies or new conversions for models in the settings. About half of the books in my personal library are from GW's novel branch, the Black Library (and given that i have most of the Discworld books, all of Harry Potter, all of the Wheel of Time to date, and all but one of the Dresden Files books at this point, among others, that's saying a *LOT*). There's a reason why, in any gaming group i could put together, i'm the only one who groks the settings enough to run an RPG in either.

3: Gaming. There are a lot of video games that i have that i enjoy playing, and quite a few coming out between now and the middle of next year.

4: Worrying about money. Unfortunately, i'm still in the process of getting back on my feet financially. Should be fully there by the end of the year, at least, barring any catastrophes, of course.

5: Fixing computers. Mostly because it's my job, but, well, i'd not have chosen it as my job if i hated it. The user icon for my PC at work is an Adeptus Mechanicus symbol from Warhammer 40k, because it pretty well fits.

6: General Geekery. my brain is full of memes from Star Wars, Doctor Who, Rifftrax, Leverage, Pirates of the Caribbean, Lord of the Rings, the Dresden Files, the Wheel of Time, Brandon Sanderson's books, Stargate, World of Warcraft, and many, many more fandoms.

7: M'Lady. i posted here before about how so many things in my life can be directly or indirectly traced to Her, and it still holds true.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. How much I love hearing my loved ones being happy. (Especially when they make little happy noises!) I firmly feel that joys are multiplied when they are shared.

2. What ways have I pleased my Goddess lately and what ways have I yet to do. She has a standing set of orders for me, which I keep a pretty close eye on, not to mention trying to find little things to make Her happy.

3. What is there to entertain me? I have a small iPod Touch (8Gb is pretty small to me lol), I love to read and chat with people. It's pretty easy, to be honest. Just keep a steady stream of stuff going. It's my need, and I think I do a pretty good job of it.

4. Play and kinky stuff. In short, I want more. I'm still pretty inexperienced.

5. Hypnosis. I love the feeling of letting go and blatantly not being in control for a while.

6. How much the doctor will rant at me once I finally get insurance (done!) and make an appointment. (Coming soon!)

7. I wish I was much more creative. I know a lot of artists in various mediums (music, art, writing, etc) and I admire them so. I dream of being able to walk alongside them.

Six Things I Wish I'd Never Done

6. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have stuck my finger into that bear's mouth. (On the other hand, I do have to admit that it's pretty damned awesome that I can start a conversation about regrets with the sentence, "Looking back, I probably shouldn't have stuck my finger into that bear's mouth.")

5. Kept my mouth shut about the behavior of another player on a MUSH I was once on. He absolutely ruined a TP I had started by not showing up at the last minute for a key scene, and then claimed it was because I'd railroaded him into the plot without his permission. I had logs showing the opposite, but I never showed them to anyone because I thought it would be better not to cause a huge flamewar. Instead, the flamewar happened later over something else, and I wound up having a lot less fun MUSHing after that. Wasn't worth backing down over.

4. Oddly enough, I shouldn't have been so helpful at my last job. There were people there who took advantage of my good nature, and once I stopped doing their work as well as my own, my bosses finally took notice that the problem wasn't, "Boy, he seems really cranky all the time," but instead was, "Wow, we have a total waste of space working in this department who also manages to be a total asshole."

3. I probably shouldn't have dropped out of college. It's a decision I can still change my mind on, of course, and I do only have one class left to get my degree, but I think I should have gutted out that class at the time. My responsibilities have only made it harder to finish things.

2. I shouldn't have started one of the book projects I did. I know they say, "Never regret the things you did, only the things you didn't do," but I spent a lot of money on research materials and never did get anything saleable out of it. In retrospect, I probably would have made a bigger profit if I'd never started the damn thing. :)

1. I really wish I hadn't spent so much time away from Lady Ru'etha. We spent about five years as "just friends" because I somehow thought I was doing Her a kindness by not telling Her how much I missed Her and loved Her and cared about Her. Looking back, it was nothing but stupid, and the happiest day of my life was when we got back together again. No, that's not quite right. The happiest days of my life began when we got back together again. And while I'm too happy to regret anything very much, this is one of the few things I would change if I could do it again.