One Confession

i have to confess that, at times, i despair of ever getting everything together to move to be close to M'Lady again. i know it's not rational, but it seems like every time i've gotten to the verge of finally being able to get everything to start falling into place, some obstacle hurls itself at me and prevents me from doing so. i'm on a reasonably strong path toward being able to move, now, but part of me keeps waiting for the Universe to undo the progress i've made.

Three Turn-Ons

This would be known as "the fun one", of course. Of the ten things we're telling everyone about ourselves, the thing we most want everyone else to know is what they can do to make us hot and happy. And here are my big three...keeping in mind, of course, that you already need to be someone I know well enough and feel safe enough around to do them. :)

1. Hypnosis. I adore being hypnotized. It is a wonderful and erotic sensation in and of itself, as well as being a gateway to so many delicious experiences. Being hypnotized is always a turn-on for me, always. (That's not to say I can't benefit from hypnosis for therapeutic purposes, but it's always very easy for someone to steer the trance in an erotic direction.)

2. Touch. It's taken me a long time to realize this, because I always thought I didn't like being touched. What I've found, over the decade or so of being with my Goddess, is that I actually like being touched so much that I don't feel comfortable letting just anyone do it. It is a deeply sensual experience in the literal and figurative sense, and I find it to be an important part of erotic play.

3. Whatever turns you on. This was another one that took me a long time to realize, and Goddess and I had lots of discussions as to why things that I did and loved with other girlfriends I never asked Her to do...and astonishingly, didn't miss. We finally called it my "enablement kink"; I get intensely turned on by realizing how turned on my partner is. What they are into, I get into, even though I don't necessarily hold any interest in it any other time. Weird, but very very fun. :)

Five People Who Mean A Lot In No Particular Order

1-MiLady Ru'Etha-Not only is she an incredible Domme, but she cares about you. Plus she is an EXCELLENT conversationalist. I always love hearing about her, and You should talk movies with her sometime. :-) MiLady, if You are reading this, I remember a conversation about "Plan 9 from Outer Space" that was pretty cool.

2-My parents. They guided me in how I should grow up. I guess I get a lot of my morals from them.

3-Robert. He was a big brother figure to me in College. I was his best man at his wedding.

4-My Brothers.

5-My nieces and nephew.

One Confession

Sometimes I wish I could just drop everything. Leave everything and everyone behind. I sometimes wish I could just take any money I have on hand, a few changes of clothes and leave. Start over. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to just start over from fresh with no one who knows me.

Then I think about the aftermath it would cause and I can't do it. I can't cause pain to that many people, some of whom mean the world to me. And I would always wonder what happened to everyone. In the end, I think I would be worse off for it. No matter how complicated my life is, everyone in it contributes to my happiness in one way or another. There are times when the complexity that is my life becomes overwhelming and I wish things were simple. But they aren't. And they never will be. *smiles softly*

Six things I wish i had never done

Gosh this one is the toughie. i was brought up in a good home. ok, here goes.

6-I wish I never got in fights in Jr. High. But I was standing up for myself at the time. Y'see I was picked on A LOT. So I had to constantly defend myself verbally and physically.

which leads to...

5-I wish I never said some of the things I said. I had used language back then that would curl my ears today, especially some bad words in the LGBT community that I have a clearer understanding of now. They threw them as an insult, and I threw them right back. It actually nearly got me in trouble, as I was in the principal's office (victim again) with my parents in tow, after I had used a certain word to get a bully off my back. (Too close and rubbing his privies against me in basketball) The bully was supposed to have his parents with him but he didn't. he said "Mr> and Mrs. , Do you know what your son called me?", and the gym teacher said, with principal present, "Yah, what did you do to get him to say it?" it went down hill for him from there.

Another thing that 6 lead to...

4-I wish I never hit a guy with a prop cane. I was defending my Girlfriend's Honor. Someone said that she and I were getting some tail. Needless to say, I was furious. I clobbered him, and was seen by the assistant principal. I apolgized to him in the office, he apologized to me, and the Principal said, "You did the wrong thing for the right reason." I had to serve an extra day of school in my Senior Year (went in on a day of Thanksgiving Break) as a result.

3-I wish I never let my emotions get the better of me when I was younger. I think I turned into the Incredible Hulk with anger as the bullying mounted and got more and more. I'm glad I had some creative outlets when I was younger, otherwise I might have blown up a school. I think it also alienated a lot of friends.

2-I wish I never ate a whole jalapeno pepper. It was stuffed with cream cheese, but I was sweating the rest of the day from it.

1-I wish I never just stayed in my dorm room at college. i could've learned a lot more from going out in the world instead of being a recluse.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot

7-Would I survive as a challenger on Iron Chef America?

6-What's for dinner?

5-Nero Wolfe (The A&E TV Series)

4-Card Tricks (sleight of hand)

3-My friends and family

2-The beach

1-MiLady Ruetha

Two Images

It took me a while to find images to describe my life, and i apologize for this being a little late.

This picture pretty well describes everything except to do with my job except the actual taking calls. We regularly have to deal with such levels of madness that even King Leonidas would grudgingly admit that it was not, in fact, Sparta. The poster i made shortly after we started, with "Welcome to the *REDACTED* Service Desk, Let the Lord of Chaos Reign!" is still up, and none have questioned its presence.

This fits the rest of my life pretty well... A long and winding path through the wilds. i have a goal, and i know i can reach it eventually, but the way between here and there isn't exactly clear, and there have been and likely will be a rather large number of obstacles in my way. The fact that it's from one of the many, many games that i really want that have been and will be coming out in far too short a span for me to fully enjoy one before the next arrives says something, too, beyond just "Rar, i am a gamer!" Sometimes i think the release schedule for all the games i want between now and at least next March, especially the way i just described it, seems a bit metaphorical for life in general.

eight ways to win my heart

8-Good cooking or a good taste in food. I don't want to eat at a gourmet restaurant every night, but I love good cookin.

7-Geekiness. My inner geek loves to show himself every now and then.

6-Willingness to be held or to hold me. I am very much a contact-aware person, and like being hugged, cuddled and caressed.

5-Falling asleep while being held. I do like the idea of being a "Teddy Bear" for someone. Especially MiLady.

4-Must be a little silly or childlike, but not too much. I have very much a child's sensibilities still. I guess I don't want that "Second Childishness" that Shakespeare talked about so I haven't really ended my first.

3-Must have an active imagination.

2-Must have a small hint of a dark side and/or a love of Halloween

1-An interest in hypnosis.

2 Images That Describe My Life Right Now

My life is in flux. Of course I suppose finding out you have a brain tumor would cause that.While I'm not upset about it, nor am I scared, it still creates a challenge. It creates an obstacle I must overcome to be able to move forward. I don't know where this adventure will lead, but I do know it will be interesting.

I've realized within the last couple of weeks just how little I tolerate fools. And by fools, I mean those that would seek to hurt those I care about or try to manipulate me in a way that is not healthy. I will quickly shut down any attempt at this. I have little patience for those that do not have my or my companions' interests at heart. This is a significant change from the way I used to be. I'm not sure when it changed. I only know that it has. I'm not sure I like feeling so hard about/towards people but it's also become necessary. I do not have the time nor do I have the energy necessary to keep up the those people.

I realize neither of these pictures is particularly happy. My classes end December 12. Hopefully by then I'll have something more definite on my "condition" and I won't have the pressure of classes standing over me. That combined with good company will surely brighten my spirits quickly.

7 Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot

1. Fragments of dialogue, generally disconnected from any plot.
2. Memories, particularly memories of past shame or embarrassment. I have a freaky strong memory for those things, and the part of my mind that hates me likes to pull up a slide show when it thinks I'm too cheerful.
3. Little post-coital gestures or talk. Sex is in the moment and flow and memories don't form as easily then.
4. Mindfulness exercises. That helps a lot with 2.
5. Todo lists and organizational strategies. I've written two project management apps, and I'm always engaged with that.
6. What other people are wearing on the Subway. Particularly those on the way to a time traveller convention.
7.  Whatever I'm reading at the moment.

Nine things about myself

9-I use my voice to make a living.

8-I have known MiLady Ruetha for over...oh gosh...at least more than seven years.

7-I love being tranced

6-I still watch Cartoons (Looney Tunes, Tintin, Walt Disney Cartoons)

5-I like DC Comics

4-My favorite sports teams are based in Pittsburgh. (Sorry, MiLady)

3-I have had an interest in hypnosis since I was very young.

2-I love old time radio shows better than most TV these days.

1-I am a robot. I have always been a robot, and will always be a robot.

Three Turn Ons

1. Intelligence and/or Geekiness. (Preferably a hefty combination of both) I want to be able to have  intelligent discussions with someone, and to be able to segue into goofy things we both enjoy. Geekiness isn't just comics, gaming, sci-fi/fantasy.. you can be an automobile geek, a plane geek, a math geek, hell, even a sports geek! Just have intelligence and the passion to back it up and show it off. (My loved ones geek out about all kinds of stuff that I'm not interested in, myself. I couldn't be more proud of them when they do!)

2. Physicality. Not necessarily sex, but touching. Back rubs/scratches, stroking my hair, holding my hand(s), hugs. Little things. I love giving them, but reciprocation is so very important to me. I communicate by touch (as I may have mentioned before), and, in my head, letting me give to you isn't the same as giving back to me. Even most kinky stuff falls into this category. (Except for hypnosis, and even then it can affect the physical body. yum!)

3. Feet. I've actually changed one or two people's opinions on getting their feet touched. I love the taste, smell and feel of clean feet, and hearing someone's sounds of pleasure when I'm kissing and nibbling their feet drives me wild.

3 Turn ons

Anyone that knows me well will realize this is only a minute sampling of the things that turn me on. It's a good starting point though. ;)

1. Bondage. Hand cuffs and chains or rope, oh my! I don't have much experience with rope yet, but if it's anything like being bound by leather wrist/ankle cuffs and chains/metal clasps, then it will have the same effect on me. That is to say it's a HUGE turn on for me. Especially when combined with a blindfold. ;)

2. Intelligence- Seduce my mind and my body will surely follow. Keeping my attention is a GOOD thing.

3. Touch me. Let me know I turn you on. Combine those two things and it's a heady mixture that will keep my blood humming for days.

10 things i want to say to 10 different people (assignment catchup)

10-want to play?

9-Wish you lived here instead of (over there).

8-I'm sorry. I should've gotten you that key. I thought someone else took care of it.

7-I want paid for my work. I did all the hard stuff Friday night and got nothin.

6-i wish i was somewhere else for my job.

5-Sometimes, your posts scare me.

4-i am a robot.

3-here we go steelers

2-Can't wait to dance with you again.

1- i love You, i must obey You. obedience is pleasure, pleasure is obedience

8 Ways to Win My Heart (Belatedly back on the assignment)

1. I'm a pretty lousy poker player, so there's that. 
2. Disagree with me strongly. I'm not talking about violent disagreement, but if you call me on something you think is wrong and back yourself up, I'll definitely be intrigued.
3. Show broad interests. I feel like the modern world allows to amuse ourselves constantly within one genre or subject, and it's appealing if you fight that. 
4. Laugh at something I say. (I'm easy that way.)
5. Recommend a book, album, or movie to me. 
6. Blush just the right way. 
7. Be game for something offbeat or weird. I live in New York because you can encounter that weirdness so often because there are so many creative people here trying so many different things
8. Guess something about me before I say it.

Three Turn-Ons

For my list of three turn-ons, it's going to be fairly simple.

1- Sensuality. i really, REALLY like it when people are sensual with me. Caresses, hugs, kisses, snuggling... i have to say that i'm actually more likely to get aroused from being cuddled and caressed by someone i love than from watching pornography.

2- Hypnosis. Kind of a given, and it ties into the previous for me, actually. It is very rare for me to not get aroused from being hypnotized.

3- BDSM. i love sensation play, and what i've experienced of bondage has been fun. And, as an added bonus, most aftercare involves the first entry on my list.

Four Turn-offs

Here are the four biggest turn-offs i have. This isn't a list of squick or relationship-breakers as much as others have posted, but general "i won't get involved with you" kinds of turn-offs, for the most part.

1- Stupidity. i don't mean simple ignorance here (i.e., someone just not knowing something). i mean willfully refusing to learn. i mean not wanting to learn. i love learning new things, and i can't really see someone who doesn't as someone even worthy of respect, let alone a relationship.

2- Drama. As i've stated before on this very blog, i utterly loathe drama and internal group politics. i realize that they're bound to happen even among people who also despise such things, but those who court such things and actively cause them (and yes, there are such people out there) are major turn-offs for me.

3- Religious Fundamentalism. One of the things that i've learned the hard way is that faith is inherently subjective. If you claim to know the one "true" path that my soul should take in this life or beyond it, then you're not worth my time. If the absolute hottest person on the planet bothered to try to seduce me, just one mention of how i'm going to suffer for eternity because i don't worship their god would be more than enough for me to walk away.

4- Smoking. Not as big as the others, or as absolute, but someone who smokes would have to have a LOT of other redeeming qualities to make up for it in my eyes.

Four Turn Offs

When I first started this post, I thought of this subject just in general terms. In some ways it is more than general. If you turn me off outside of the bedroom, you stand no chance of even having the door unlocked.

1. Being pushy. This is not quite as simple as it sounds. My time is precious. I spare as much as I can for those I care about but my time is very limited, between work, school and family matters. I don't often get a chance to just go run and be free these days and I don't expect that to change in the immediate future as I've got a few more years of school left ahead of me. I will give what I have but I also have to make sure to give time to my priorities. Sometimes that means spending less time with others than I'd wish. Pushing for time I don't feel I have is a good way to cause me to go away. Also, pushing me to make a decision and trying to get me to make it in whatever general direction you want me to go may backfire too. Give me the options, let me weigh them and don't get pissy when the best path I feel I should take doesn't lead in the direction you want for me. Trust that I will take all the advise and put in on that balance to make sure it weights out correctly. While I want to know that I am important to you, there is a line where, once crossed, it's not a good thing.

2. Not paying attention during play time. This is a big big big thing for me. If I'm noisy, that's a good bet I'm pretty happy with whatever it is you're doing. When I stop making noise, find out why. Is it too much and I'm just too in the zone to say something? It does happen that sometimes I may not realize it's getting to be too much but I stop making noise so that I can take whatever's going on. You shouldn't have to force ME to make noise. LOL. If I have to call yellow, that's not a good sign. Play time is a bit of a symbiotic thing for me. It's a give and take. If you don't take anything from me and all you're doing is giving, you may not notice the fluctuations and nuances of the dance. Even if I am making noise though, check in on me from time to time. Make sure everything is really green and then, presuming it is, KEEP GOING. *giggles*

3. No Aftercare. No matter what kind of play time I have, I need aftercare. If it's in person, wrap me up in a soft blanket, snuggle me, give me a glass of water. Sometimes just that time being around you will be enough. Depending on the length of play time, maybe even a bite of something to eat. If it's through the limitations of distance, sit with me for a bit afterwards until I'm back to myself again. That extra bit of time is huge in terms of how I feel the day and even the week afterwards.

4. Not paying attention to safety. Some of the things I enjoy, such as knife play, is not exactly safe. But there are precautions that can and should be taken. Even simple play (complex as it may be), like rope play, has serious things that can happen when precautions aren't paid attention to. If I see that you are playing with someone and you aren't doing what it takes to make the play as safe as possible while still having fun with it, don't expect to play with me. If I can tell I'm not going to feel safe playing with you, it's just not going to happen.

Four Turn Offs

1. Being malicious. There's a lot of area that is covered by the phrase "dark play," including humiliation and objectification. Some people see the two as synonymous, but, to me, there's a difference. I want to try out certain areas of dark play, but if you don't provide aftercare, or you don't frequently remind me that you do care, then all you're doing is beating me emotionally. I've both been there and done that.

2. Isolation. I've heard about tops using this as punishment. I've read about going off into solitude for personal and spiritual growth. F*** that. Sorry for the vulgarity, but that's how vehemently I feel about it. One of my biggest problems is that I can't stop feeling alone, even when surrounded by those who love me.

3. Enforced chastity. No thank you. I'm a hedonist, and enjoy my carnal pleasures way too much. One might even go so far as to call me a slut, but only if they really love me. ~_^

4. Doing things outdoors. Ugh, bugs, dirt, and a million other things. I'd likely be too distracted to be able to really enjoy myself, worried about getting bitten and/or catching something.

Four Turn-Offs

Don't get me wrong, I do try to think of myself as GGG, but yes, I'll admit to squicks just like the rest of us. Nobody is into everybody's kink. Here are a few of the ones I'm not into.

1. Play that feels like it could be self-destructive. Breath control, knife play, gun play...pretty much anything that feels like either there is the real potential for self-harm (like breath play, which cannot be made safe...which is, I'm aware, a controversial statement in the kink community, but it is nonetheless true...) Or kink that feels like some of the erotic charge comes from pretending it's not safe when it is (like knife play, which is perfectly safe when done with care, but which does rely a lot on the feeling of powerlessness you get when someone is holding a knife to your body and you can't stop them.) I think it's because when I first found myself drifting towards kinky sex, I wondered exactly where it would stop...and self-harm was kind of my hard limit. And ever since, I've evaluated things in terms of that.

2. Scat play, watersports, and similar. Visceral, automatic ick. We can move on now.

3. Humiliation/degradation play. I play with people I love, and I play with people that love me. I do not have the world's greatest self-esteem even after a decade of unconditional love from a wonderful woman, and I got plenty of humiliation and degradation in junior high and I never got turned on by it even once, thankyouverymuch. I have no interest in it, either giving or receiving, and I generally don't even do public play unless it's in a very very safe space because it skirts that.

4. I suppose this last one would be a catchall for incest, pedophilia, rape, and similar "I know there are people into it and I do not judge anyone based on their sexual fantasies because they are exactly that, just fantasies, but I can't even get into them as fantasies and nobody should be into them in real life" type scenarios. (You can feel free to add your own ideas for what would fit into this category. If you suspect it would land here, you're probably right.)