My one confession

This is leading up to my confession. One of my numerous fetishes is pantyhose. The feel of the material on my skin, and the look of it on a woman's legs. I love the feeling so much....(here it comes, and it is tough for me to type)...

I own two pairs of hose that I will wear for erotic purposes.

One pair is a color called "Girl scout green". I dream of someone (for some reason it's MiLady's voice I hear) calling me some dirty names while I wear them for this mystery figure in private.

The other pair is grey. It is part of my robot skin. I have not opened this pair as I wish MiLady to put me in my robot mode and have me put them on to become more of a robot.

There. Now the harder part...Pushing the "Publish Post" button.

My second image

Ocean Isle Beach, NC and the dock.

I dream about it a lot. Right here is where I lay to watch meteors in my mind.

Two images

The first image

Tazmanian Devil (aka: TAZ, Baggy eyes)

He is in the middle of his tornado. At the office, sometimes, it feels like I am in the middle of same. And sometimes, my speech (away from certain situations) sounds like Taz's gibberish.

The Second Image will be in my next post....for some reason it won't let me do it.

Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

This is a wind turbine in Ardrossan, Scotland. It caught fire during a 260 km/h (160 mph) windstorm. Nobody's quite sure why, yet; video shows that the blades aren't spinning very fast when the fire breaks out, the head is pivoting but you wouldn't imagine that to make enough friction to burn anything.

I took my life in a direction that seemed like a good idea at the time, but in extreme conditions it hasn't worked out.

When things are out of control, it *is* possible to recover if the right actions are taken in a timely fashion.

One Confession

Technically, two confessions. The first confession is that I wouldn't have the faintest idea what sort of images sum up my life if you painted them on my eyeglasses.

The second, more relevant confession: I'm not actually very good at being a grown-up. I can muddle through, more or less; I can hold a steady job, and for eight hours or so a day I can do very good at it. But things that seem to come easily to other adults, living an organized and sensible life and being...y'know, grown up...to me, it feels like spinning plates. While I'm over in one area keeping the plate that says "eating healthy" spinning, the one that says "remembering to pay all the bills" starts wobbling. When I dash back over and give that one another spin, the "house-cleaning" one is about ready to fall onto the floor. The whole thing does not feel intuitive to me, it exhausts me, and I frequently need to retreat into goofiness and silly things just to keep from frying my immature brain.

So if you're someone who I'm in a family with...I am sorry. I try, as best I can, but I know I'm not good at this. I hope I don't ever hit you with any of those plates.

Days Nine and Ten

I apologize for being really late with the last two of my posts from the list. I was dealing with an emotional breakdown, and am now trying to manage the aftereffects of it on myself and those around me. Thankfully, my Lady is much more patient with me than I deserve at times. So, in order to get myself back up to speed, here are the last two of the weekly posts.

Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

This one represents adolescence. It reaches me on a number of levels. My own puberty was a little off, due to lots of bad experiences with classmates and family, as well as not having anyone to personally teach me about those weird and "wonderful" changes my body was going through. (Let's just say that, for a few different reasons, I fell through the cracks.) And these days, I'm going through another puberty, with both my hormones and emotions running kind of wild. I have a sneaking suspicion that this one will go better. I'm trying to learn to reign in my emotions the right way will still having them. Obviously, this is not an easy process, but I'm working on it.

This one represents family. As previously noted, the one I grew up with was, while "traditional," not exactly ideal. On many levels, I have accepted and forgiven that, even though they did their best, they were not what I needed. Meeting Lady Ru'etha and Her circle has certainly begun leading me to redefine my definition of family and what it means to me.

Day Ten: One confession

We, as people, tend to be defined by our pasts. If we're not careful we can be shackled by it, which hampers our ability to enjoy the present and look forward to the future. My past is not a happy one, and one of the particular issues that troubles me is trust. The majority of people around me were either antagonizing me or ignoring me, and my home never felt like a safe haven. This left a mark on me mentally and emotionally, as I'm sure you could guess. I'd see families that looked more stable and loving, but it was always with a feeling that that was for others, not for me. Then, in 2007, I met Lady Ru'etha and Her family. I watched how this group of people who, in some cases, lived far enough away to require a plane ride or an inordinate amount of time in a car. I listened to how they were there to support each other no matter what. I got to know them and to see the love they had for each other. They even reached out to me in my darkest times, and it left me in awe of them. But again, my shadow, my demons piped up and would keep reminding me that it wasn't mine. I could be an emotional voyeur, but I would always be on the outside. Then, in 2009, I found myself lost, adrift and hurting, and Lady Ru'etha extended Her hand to me. She called me to Her and I came running. And, suddenly, I found myself in the middle of that loving, supportive family. And, while I feel the peace of their bond, there is this little niggling voice that keeps reminding me of old lessons. That it isn't for me. That I'm screwing it up. That I will be abandoned again. I have no reason to doubt her, yet the doubt will not go away. I want to trust, but I don't know how.

What I do know, however, is that my Lady and my family haven't given up on me. I will get through this, and I will be stronger because of them.

Three Turn-ons

1-Hypnosis (Shocker!) I love the fact that someone else can take control with a velvety voice. I love the helplessness i feel when MiLady takes over. No matter if i am myself or if she turns my switch to Robot mode, it feels truly like bliss.

2-A pretty pair of legs in opaque hose (colors a plus). As a kid from the 80's, I grew up thinking girls wearing hose that were opaque (black, white, colors) were beautiful, so I guess this has been engraned in me for a long time. As an adjunct, I love the feel of pantyhose fabric against me.

3-Eyes. Always love looking into someone's eyes.

Four Turn-offs

1-SMOKING! It's gross, disgusting, and causes cancer. WHY?

2-Drug use. Either using doctor's drugs for the wrong reasons or illegal drugs for any reason

3-Bigotry/bullying. Saw enough of that in my life.

4-Snobbery (unless it's in a role play)

Three turn-ons

1. Hypnosis. I know! What a shock that hypnosis should form a core, even primary, part of my sexuality! But there it is. Trance is sexy, you know it, I know it.
   
2. Geekitude. This ostensibly SFW video clip, for example, is pure rocket geek porn. Ru'etha can attest that I made happy noises the first time I saw it. Ooh baby, let's see that again. No, no; slow it down.
3. Service, or at least the idea of it. I am forced to admit that, sometimes, actually doing the work can be difficult, especially when I'm here on my own. But in concept, at least, would it be so bad to be Ru'etha's obedient live-in servant, cooking and cleaning and rubbing feet? No. No it would not. :)
   

Four turn-offs

I'm going to cheat a bit and copy off my classmates.

1. From Lyinar: "Stupidity. i don't mean simple ignorance here (i.e., someone just not knowing something). i mean willfully refusing to learn. i mean not wanting to learn."
   A long time ago in a cubicle farm far away, a coworker on a long phone call put her caller on hold and started screaming for help with her computer. I was between calls so I went over. The screen was blank except for a WindowsNT logo that, from time to time, jumped around the screen. I poked the mouse, and her desktop returned. Yeah. Screen saver. She hadn't thought to try anything; something was unusual and therefore it was crisis time.
   
   When it comes to play, I'm okay with temporary suppression of thought; automatic mindless obedience can be sexy. But the idea is to switch off, not dumb down. Bimbo, himbo, jock, anything relating to a reduction in intelligence... yuck.
   
   
2. From Jukebox: "Scat play, watersports, and similar. Visceral, automatic ick."
   All of the above, and add in pretty much anything gooey, sticky or slimy. I'm more open to whipped cream than I was five years ago, but Jell-O is a hard limit. No, really, keep that shit away from me. You can have all mine, just don't eat it in front of me.
   
   
3. From Lyinar again: "Smoking. Not as big as the others, or as absolute, but someone who smokes would have to have a LOT of other redeeming qualities to make up for it in my eyes."
   I'm not sure if it's possible for any set of redeeming qualities to outweigh smoking for me. In the past when I've browsed other hypnodommes' catalogues, if they even offer a smoking fetish recording, even if it's just one of many things they do, I move on.
   
   ...And then there's the exception. There was (past tense!) a short time when Ichihara Yūko smoking her kiseru pipe damn near made me want to take it up myself, and I looked into what non-tobacco things I could smoke instead... and I've been told that with my lungs, SMOKE WILL KILL ME. Quicker than it will kill most people, I mean.
   
   Actually, let's just expand this one out to substance abuse in general. After seeing some very desperate people in the park, I think I'm pretty much cured of ever finding addictive drugs sexy. Mind control drug? I'm fine with that. Addicted to Her Voice? Hey, right on. Submission through getting hooked on smack? Hell no.
   
   
4. Race related criteria. Whether it's "I am only interested in X" or "I can't stand X," if you select your partners by race, select someone else.
   

Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

1. Goddess. I love You, You make me happy, You make me want to be the best me that I'm capable of, and I'll spend as much of my life with You as You want me for.
   
2. My munchkin. Because she is the coolest experiment ever. (Every child is an experiment: we hypothesize that our technique for raising a kid will be better than ones before, then spend 20-odd years trying to test that.)
   
3. My co-husband Jukebox. I know that Goddess and the munchkin are in good hands while I can't be with them, and I know I'll be welcome when I can.
   
4. My guys. The "formative hell" of junior high I talked about in the last post ended with meeting the writer and the artist, and a VHS copy of Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie that we played over and over until it snapped.
5. My parents. I'm lucky to be able to say that my parents, while not perfect, are decent loving people with brains in their heads, who raised and continue to support two pretty good sons.
   

Six Things I Wish I'd Never Done

"And bad mistakes; I've made a few..."

1. I wish I hadn't stuck with French Immersion when the program closed at my school. Chosing to stay in the program and switch to another school across town resulted in five years of hell. Formative hell that went a long way to making me the man I am today, yes, but hell nonetheless.
2. Regarding my first crack at university, I'll just quote Lyinar, because I made precisely the same mistake: "Thinking college would be just like High School, and not studying hard to stay there." I think he did better than I did, though; I was On Academic Probation after my first semester, and Required To Withdraw after the second.
3. I wish that I hadn't fallen in love with my childhood friend after she became my best friend's girlfriend. Because I had the integrity not to act on it. Damnit. :)
4. I wish I hadn't tried to be macho and lift the bucket of wine out of the laundry room sink in an attempt to impress the above mentioned childhood friend. My upper back still acts up a decade later!
5. I wish I hadn't accepted the transfer to NorthMOFN. I wish I'd played the medical card and waited to see what else I'd get offered. I was happier with who I was before coming here, and I think I'll be happier with who I become when I leave.
   
6. I wish I hadn't quit iaido and yoga when I did. The way my life has gone since I would eventually have had to anyway, but I wish I'd done it until I couldn't anymore, not stopped when I got lazy.
   

"I've had my share of sand kicked in my face... But I've come through!"

Where I've Been, Where I'm Going

Okay, I think I'm ready to write about this.

I had an incident at work. Nobody got hurt, nothing got scratched, but things went wrong. After some analysis from without and within, and some time off I came back to work... for all of two days.

And in those two days, I decided that it wasn't healthy for me, and not safe for others, for me to keep doing this job.

I went to the doctor for a physical; I was thinking heart condition, asthma, maybe diabetes. We never got as far as a physical exam, though. After he heard me describe how I felt, he gave me a depression questionnaire. And I scored high. Way high. Moderate to moderately-severe.

Didn't see that coming. I mean, I'd had a rough couple of months, but... No, I'd had a rough couple of years. And it fits. Like Yoda said: depression leads to anxiety, anxiety leads to stress, stress leads to narrowing down on one task to the exclusion of others in moments when multitasking is most important, failing at multitasking leads to suffering. I think he said something about hitting the Ventolin inhaler more often too.

Sick leave approved, indefinite. Prescription for an antidepressant. And two weeks of hanging around at home, useless.

Well not anymore. I'm getting back on track now.

First and most important, the company has another job for me in another place, where I can use what I know, but only have to deal with one thing at a time rather than multitasking and task prioritizing. So I can have a steady job with benefits in a role where I feel useful. I discussed this at length with Goddess, and we both knew that while we really wanted for me to immigrate to be with Her, throwing me into an uncertain foreign job market when I have no transferable experience or training would wreck me in short order. So I'll do this new job for 3 to 5 years, during which time I'll get myself sorted out, set some money aside, and maybe take some distance ed courses that would make me useful in Minnesota.

I've written up morning and evening routines that involve things like exercise, the tea ritual I developed with Goddess, light/sound/MP3 hypnosis before bed, and making sure the dishes get done. I've laid out a to-do list three days ahead -- which in its first day proved a little overambitious, but I'll adjust that. I've been walking 2 to 5 kilometers almost daily, despite the well below freezing temperatures. The antidepressant makes me feel physically weak, and not in a good way, but I feel good about the changes I'm making, and overall I'm better this week than I was last week. Heck, next week I'm even going to participate in a ham radio contest.

Anyhow. I plan to make my submission to Goddess a central part of my recovery. My to-do list is largely stocked with the assignment list She wrote up for each of us in August, and that I haven't done a particularly good job of sticking to since. You're going to see the results of some of that re-dedication to Her service both here and on my other assigned blog, where I write about watching old episodes of Top Gear. My plan is to post daily, alternating between the two, until I'm either caught up on the "ten things" project or my company makes plans to move me. Some of the results you won't see. I'm not working, so there's no reason for me not to get my housework in order, which I know She approves of. Doing that will help streamline packing for the move when the time comes, too, a little bit of proactive stress reduction.

I want to be clear here, I'm not asking Her to fix me. But She's a reason for me to fix myself.