Days Nine and Ten

I apologize for being really late with the last two of my posts from the list. I was dealing with an emotional breakdown, and am now trying to manage the aftereffects of it on myself and those around me. Thankfully, my Lady is much more patient with me than I deserve at times. So, in order to get myself back up to speed, here are the last two of the weekly posts.

Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

This one represents adolescence. It reaches me on a number of levels. My own puberty was a little off, due to lots of bad experiences with classmates and family, as well as not having anyone to personally teach me about those weird and "wonderful" changes my body was going through. (Let's just say that, for a few different reasons, I fell through the cracks.) And these days, I'm going through another puberty, with both my hormones and emotions running kind of wild. I have a sneaking suspicion that this one will go better. I'm trying to learn to reign in my emotions the right way will still having them. Obviously, this is not an easy process, but I'm working on it.

This one represents family. As previously noted, the one I grew up with was, while "traditional," not exactly ideal. On many levels, I have accepted and forgiven that, even though they did their best, they were not what I needed. Meeting Lady Ru'etha and Her circle has certainly begun leading me to redefine my definition of family and what it means to me.

Day Ten: One confession

We, as people, tend to be defined by our pasts. If we're not careful we can be shackled by it, which hampers our ability to enjoy the present and look forward to the future. My past is not a happy one, and one of the particular issues that troubles me is trust. The majority of people around me were either antagonizing me or ignoring me, and my home never felt like a safe haven. This left a mark on me mentally and emotionally, as I'm sure you could guess. I'd see families that looked more stable and loving, but it was always with a feeling that that was for others, not for me. Then, in 2007, I met Lady Ru'etha and Her family. I watched how this group of people who, in some cases, lived far enough away to require a plane ride or an inordinate amount of time in a car. I listened to how they were there to support each other no matter what. I got to know them and to see the love they had for each other. They even reached out to me in my darkest times, and it left me in awe of them. But again, my shadow, my demons piped up and would keep reminding me that it wasn't mine. I could be an emotional voyeur, but I would always be on the outside. Then, in 2009, I found myself lost, adrift and hurting, and Lady Ru'etha extended Her hand to me. She called me to Her and I came running. And, suddenly, I found myself in the middle of that loving, supportive family. And, while I feel the peace of their bond, there is this little niggling voice that keeps reminding me of old lessons. That it isn't for me. That I'm screwing it up. That I will be abandoned again. I have no reason to doubt her, yet the doubt will not go away. I want to trust, but I don't know how.

What I do know, however, is that my Lady and my family haven't given up on me. I will get through this, and I will be stronger because of them.